The setting is the White House War Room. It is the wee hours of Thursday morning. Ex-FBI Chief Comey is due to testify before the House Intel Committee in less than 12 hours. War Room appointees are seated around a large oval table. All eyes are on the Commander-in-Chief.
Trump: I’ve called you together to unveil my great Twitter plan to show Comey for the big, fat liar he really is. I’m going to do that by calling him a big, fat liar.
Random War Room Humanoid: Sir, we think you need something with a bit more substance.
T: A big, fat poopie-head?
T: I’ll challenge him to an IQ test, then.
RWRH: Sir, we believe you may be taking a chance with that. And, anyway, you tried that last year with Mayor Khan. He just sort of ignored you.
T: I’ll say he is pathetic.
RWRH: Sir, you’ve used that word about the leaders of every one of our allies. They are ignoring you.
T: How about saying he is fake?
RWRH: Sir, you call the media fake everyday. They seem to be ignoring you.
T: I’ll say he is a money-grubbing ingrate.
RWTH: Sir, I think you said that about one of your ex-wives during the divorce proceedings.
RWTH: We believe that only works once.
RWTH: Sir, that’s what that woman, Reality Winner, called you.
T: Reality Winner? Is that her name? I thought I copyrighted that name. Can we sue her?
RWTH: Sir, it’s getting late.
T: OK, I have it. I’ll say Comey didn’t get any electoral votes, and I got like a million of them.
RWTH: Sir, Comey didn’t get any electoral votes because he didn’t run for president.
RWTH: No. He was the FBI Director, not a candidate.
RWTH: Sir, we ‘d all like to get some sleep now. We suggest that when the time comes, you just wing it. You never seem to run out of thoughts.
T: I do. I have more thoughts than anyone, right? Don’t I have the most thoughts? Like if I had a contest with the whole world, I’d win, right? I have to start writing all my thoughts down, right now, there are so many of them. Hand me that napkin.
RWTH: Right you are, Sir. Nighty-night.
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.