Coming Soon: The Fox News Hot Feminine Centerfold

And so, on March 2nd, it came to pass that Fox and Friends anchor Ainsley Earhardt explained, "Here at Fox, we like to be feminine. So we don't wear the pants."

And boy, howdy, I am so there. That darn Mary Tyler Moore. What she started, wearing those darn Capri pants. It was shocking! Shocking, I say. Oh, sure, that was 45 years ago, perhaps even before Ainsley Earhadrt's mother may have even been born, but I'm sure her grandma was just beside herself. (Or not. This is 45 years ago, so who keeps records that long?). But when that darn Mary dared to step out on the Dick Van Dyke Show wearing Capri pants - Capri freaking pants! What was she thinking??! -- it just ruined society.

Now, June Cleaver, she wouldn't wear slacks, no siree. Breakfast just tasted better for the Beaver and America when Mrs. Cleaver was properly dressed in a flowing gown and a pearl necklace over the stove. That's how feminine works.

Pants for women, eeesh. That's pretty darn butch. Okay, sure, it does show off the feminine figure pretty nicely, and it did create a whole new jeans industry and a catch phrase ("How does my butt look?") -- though have you ever seen slacks at a cotillion? What's next, the women's movement and equal rights?

Oops, right. See what I mean? First, Mary's Capri pants, and now equality.

"Here at Fox, we like to be feminine. So we don't wear the pants."

Y'know, if you really want to look feminine, why not try string bikinis? No one can say a centerfold looks manly. Hey, that apparently is okay at Fox. After all, Fox News's Courtney Friel was recently in a bikini layout for Maxim. Cool! Now, that's what we want in a newsperson. Now, that's feminine. Not as feminine as getting rid of that bikini altogether, but this is Fox News, give it time.

It's uncertain, by the way, what other clothes (or lack thereof) qualify as feminine? What about hot pants? They're closer to slacks than hoop skirts, and sure do make the female newsperson look pretty feminine. If she wears a skirt, can she also wear a tank top? If that's borderline, would wearing a tiara help?

"Here at Fox, we like to be feminine. So we don't wear the pants."

Hold on -- what's the deal with "the pants"? At least if we're going to be consistent, shouldn't that be "Here at the Fox, we like to be the feminine. So we don't wear the pants"?

Then again, hmmm. I just realized, maybe this isn't that bad at all -- maybe the rule at Fox is specifically that. No pants. Just lingerie. Ainsley (and I think we can be on a first-name basis now, since we're down to undergarments) didn't say that was forbidden. Just pants.

"Here at Fox, we like to be feminine. So we don't wear the pants."

Well, here in the rest of America, we like our women to be women. Smart and interesting and able to think for themselves and nurturing and funny, thoughtful, decent and accomplished. We like cheering the world champion women's soccer team and Gold Medal-winning women's hockey team. And we want our daughters, sisters and mothers to do whatever they want and can dream of. Feminine is nice, too, but it's part of the whole package.

Here in the rest of America, we like our news anchors to know what they're talking about. To have experience covering the news. Appearances will always be a factor in TV news, but picture the most beautiful woman reporter you can -- now, picture her in pants. I'm guessing she still looks beautiful. And if she was intelligent pre-slacks, I'm guessing she's still intelligent post.

As for my first-name friend Ainsley, her official bio lists the following as her entire professional experience before joining Fox News -

"Prior to her current position, Earhardt served as a morning/noon anchor for CBS affiliate, KENS-5 in San Antonio, Texas. Earhardt also was a morning/noon anchor for WLTX- News 19 in Columbia, South Carolina. In 2004, while at WLTX-News 19, viewers voted Earhardt 'Best Personality of the Year' in Columbia Metropolitan Magazine."

Period. In other words, she had zero experience actually covering the news. Her experience was sitting at a desk and reading words someone gave to her. Given that, I guess, it makes things at least understandable why she'd want audiences to focus more on her skirts, rather than expertise.

To be fair, Ainsley Earhardt may be a perfectly bright person and extremely talented, and has it in her to be a great news reporter. I have no idea. The fact that nothing on her resume or in her professional career suggests it doesn't mean it's not so. Her bosses have told her what they want from her, and that's the way life works. Fox News wants their womenfolk to be feminine.

I just think it's a progressive step that Fox News wants women on the air in the first place.