The Blog

Commentating on the Commentators

This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.

I'm throwing a penalty flag at the 24/7 sport channels and their analysts.

The majority of these "experts" simply blurt out conversational placeholders while skimming the depths of their tide pool brains for something resembling an insightful opinion.

Here is an imaginary yet all-too-real exchange between an incredibly patient studio host and a network "insider," complete with the former's inner dialogue:

HOST: Right now we'd like to welcome Anthony St. Stevens to discuss the Cowboy's stunning performance to start the 2010 season. Anthony, thanks for being here!... In what other profession does a person get thanked for showing up to do his/her job??? Maybe a taxi driver on a rainy Friday at 5:00.

ASS: It's great to be here...Really? It's great to get paid to talk about your favorite sport while wearing a tailored suit given to you buy a local sponsor? Huh. Whooda thunk it.

HOST: Anthony, what do you think was the biggest contributor to the disaster in Dallas?

ASS: Well, if you're asking my opinion...Why, yes, that is what I'm asking. How were you able to glean that, Detective Briscoe?...I blame Jerry Jones, the owner.

HOST: What could Jerry Jones have done differently?

ASS: Honestly?...No, please lie to me and our 1.8 million national television viewers...I think it was a mistake to keep Wade Phillips two years ago instead of making Jason Garrett the head coach.

HOST: Rumor has it Jason Garrett isn't respected by the players. What do you think about that?

ASS: OK, truth be told...Let's try this: Why don't you pretend you're in court and have just sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?...I've heard that, too.

HOST: Would you keep Jason Garrett at the end of the season?

ASS: To be honest with you...Wait. Does that mean you were lying to me about everything you said earlier?...I think you gotta go with a guy who's been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

HOST: Like who?

ASS: To tell you the truth...THAT'S WHY WE FUCKING PAY YOU, MEGA MIND!...I don't know.

HOST: And that's all the time we have. Anthony St. Stevens, always a pleasure.

ASS: See ya next time!...Yeah, I bet I will, considering unemployment is at double digits and you failed to graduate despite a redshirt year and four summer school sessions on scholarship.