Conan O’Brien knows the ups and downs of fatherhood.
The late-night talk show host has a son, Beckett, and daughter, Neve, with his wife, Liza Powel O’Brien. Since becoming a dad in 2003, he’s made many jokes about his adventures in parenting. And like many fellow parents, he muses about the hilarity of raising kids on Twitter.
In honor of his birthday, here are 35 funny parenting tweets from O’Brien.
My son asked if I’d take him to see Sherlock Gnomes and I told him, “Gnome thanks.” I’ve been waiting for a high-five for three days now.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) April 2, 2018
My son asked me where babies come from, and to distract him I said "some day we're all going to die."
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) May 15, 2011
Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) May 2, 2015
I just spent 3 hours trying to solve this Rubik's Cube before my son told me it's an apple. I may need a nap.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) December 5, 2017
After seeing that commercial with the horse & puppy, my kids wouldn’t stop bugging me. So I caved and bought them a case of Bud.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 3, 2014
Just searched "blasé otters" on Giphy so I could show you how my kids react every night when I come home from work.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 24, 2016
Kanye West just ran up, grabbed my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug, and gave it to a more deserving recipient.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 10, 2015
I’m going to be like my dad and show up to every one of my son’s Little League games, but without all the betting.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) June 2, 2013
When our kids were babies, my wife and I played them Salieri instead of Mozart, and now they’ve grown into jealous, brooding schemers.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 28, 2018
Just realized I’ve been binge-watching my children’s lives since they were born.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 30, 2019
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 4, 2011
With the kids off at camp, my wife and I finally have some precious time to check Facebook in separate rooms.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) July 5, 2018
Is it wrong to scream “You got pwned” in your son’s face after beating him at Hungry Hungry Hippos?
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 30, 2011
Just before I left, my daughter said “Dad, don’t embarrass me in Japan.”#ConanJapan pic.twitter.com/YhZhy5jgV5
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 3, 2018
I thought it would be funny to stuff my kids’ Christmas stockings with actual stockings. I’ve never heard crying like that.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) December 25, 2010
A guy cut me off in traffic, and I called him a stupid f***. My kids asked what that meant, and I told them it means he can’t f***ing drive.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) April 7, 2011
My kids don’t believe it when I tell them how in my day, you could get an avocado toast for just $7.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) August 9, 2018
Whenever my children call me "Father," I feel like I'm about to be murdered, in black and white.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 23, 2014
Every generation just wants their kids to have a better “Spiderman” reboot than they did.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) April 15, 2016
All I want for Father's Day is for my kids to stop calling me "Not-Dwayne-Johnson."
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) June 17, 2018
“Goodness gracious, that is painful!” is what I should have yelled when I stubbed my toe in front of my kids.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 30, 2012
My daughter tricked me into getting her an Apple watch by threatening to get a wrist tattoo.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) May 13, 2015
I love when my kids bring me breakfast in bed while dressed as the little girls in “The Shining”.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 11, 2013
Simple way to get my kids to brush their teeth and do their homework: if they don't, they have to be a guest on my podcast.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) November 29, 2018
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids' faces when the snakes start to hatch.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) April 16, 2017
My son asked me why I was wearing sunglasses in the house and I told him "to block the son.” Now I have to pay for therapy.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) May 11, 2018
My daughter asked me not to come drunk to her school play. Too bad, I really wanted to see it.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 16, 2011
My son just came home from robotics camp. At least, I think that's him.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) July 29, 2018
Told my son there are 8 sides on a stop sign. He said “and an MMA fighting cage.”
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 3, 2013
My kids have really been inspired by this year's World Cup. My son just bit our dog.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) June 30, 2014
Played softball with my son last night. He says I “throw like a Conan.”
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) June 8, 2013
My kids think Edvard Munch is the guy who did a painting of the scream emoji.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) June 22, 2017
My son’s back-to-school backpack has a “burner phone your parents don’t know about” pocket.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) August 16, 2018
The Gerald Ford Presidential Museum is closed due to the shutdown. Where’s my daughter supposed to celebrate her 10th birthday now?
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 8, 2013
My son asked me what happens when you die, and I said, “I’m watching Chopped, just google it.”
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 7, 2014
