In the midst of heated debates over which flags should or should not be flown over government buildings, the world's top mathematicians and statisticians (um ... us) congregated to establish a definitive system to measure flag racism. They adopted an algorithm that can grade any flag's racial animus on a scale of 1 to 10.
Not Racist (1/10)
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EXAMPLE: Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya (1977–2011)
Congratulations to the 99.9 percent of all flags for being awarded this prestigious top rating of 1/10, or "Not Racist." It's the easiest score to receive because all you have to do is ... not be racist! Perhaps no flag avoids racial prejudice more than the one flown from 1977-2011 by the Great Socialist People’s Libyan Arab Jamahiriya. Say what you will about the GSPLAJ (now Libya), but it's tough to take offense from a plain green rectangle. Who knew Muammar Gaddafi and Kermit the Frog had such similar taste?
Barely Racist (2/10)
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EXAMPLE: Flags On Cinderella's Castle At Walt Disney World
Sorry, Mickey. While these aren’t the most overtly offensive banners being hoisted in the South, the flags gracing the iconic structure in Orlando score a "Barely Racist" due to Walt Disney’s, um, "earlier" works. Let’s all agree on this imperfect grade so we can have a slightly cleaner conscience while watching movies from the behemoth that brought us "Song of the South." Unlike Elsa from "Frozen," I'm not ready to "Let it Go."
Is That Racist? (3/10)
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EXAMPLE: Cowboy Hat On A Flagpole
Huh? This is confusing. Strictly based on its physical likeness to a skinny country singer, a cowboy hat on a flagpole registers at a 3/10, or “Is That Racist?”
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Almost Racist (4/10)
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EXAMPLE: Checkered Flag
NASCAR's most recognizable flag is waved when a winner crosses the finish line. Sunoco's logo shamelessly covers up the traditional design of alternating black-and-white checkers. But does a flag with 18 black squares and 17 white squares accurately represent NASCAR's fanbase? A 2012 poll showed that only 8 percent of NASCAR fans were African American. Take a look below to see a reimagined checkered flag that proportionally reflects the racial breakdown of NASCAR's audience.
Secretly Racist (5/10)
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EXAMPLE: Bare Flagpole
What's going on here? What are you hiding? Until the truth is revealed, this clocks in at a 5/10, or "Secretly Racist."
Racist (6/10)
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EXAMPLE: The Movie "White Chicks" Being Projected Onto A Plain Flag
This is a less prevalent manifestation of flag racism, but nevertheless, chalk it up as a 6/10, or "Racist."
The good news is that this 6/10 score can be quickly downgraded to a 1/10 by turning off the projector. Then you'll be left with a blank white flag. That is, unless your flag is actually an undercover Wayans brother disguised as a white flag.
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Super Racist (7/10)
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EXAMPLE: A Flag That Just Says "I'm Racist"
This flag really cuts to the chase. However, it only scores a 7/10, or "Super Racist," because the newly-implemented algorithm deducts points from any flag made in Microsoft Paint.
Cut That Out, Ya Racist (8/10)
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EXAMPLE: Flag With A Superimposed Image Of Paula Deen
The Starch-Spangled Banner earns a mark of 8/10, or "Cut That Out, Ya Racist." Deen has found herself in several sticky situations, including her admission to occasionally dropping the n-word and also the time she compared herself to "that black football player who recently came out" (Michael Sam). This flag comes buttered.
Unforgivably Racist (9/10)
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EXAMPLE: Washington Redskins Flag
A flag bearing the Redskins logo gets a 9/10, or "Unforgivably Racist." Too many professional sports organizations still tolerate teams offensively depicting Native Americans in their logos. Prioritizing is key: to boycott every league guilty of this immoral conduct would be difficult, as friends are much more likely to attend your Super Bowl party than your World Table Tennis Championships shindig.
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The Confederate Flag (10/10)
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EXAMPLE: The Confederate Flag
The Confederate flag received a score of 10/10, or "Confederate Flag," mainly because it is the Confederate flag.
Hmm... It appears we have one more level of flag racism left to cover...
Racism Overload (11/10)
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EXAMPLE: The Confederate Flag With A Superimposed Image Of Paula Deen Wearing A Washington Redskins Helmet Plus That Cowboy Hat On A Flagpole From Earlier
Can ... not ... compute ... bigotry ... (EXPLOSION)
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Before You Go
