Conflict in the workplace is one of the most challenging (and prevalent) aspects of professional life. Any time you get more than one person in a room together, you have the potential for, and the likelihood of conflict. And when it's at work, where we don't always get to choose with whom we interact, and where conflicts can turn into ongoing strife, the problems are multiplied.
One of the central issues is an emotional one: the feeling of being out of control -- because this person is in my sphere, in my department, on my team, I'm miserable. And because I'm so miserable, I give in to frustration and don't operate at optimum capacity. The first order of business is to get your power back. And by power, I mean your sense of strength, your ability to choose, and a reasonable sense of control over your life. When you have that, it's easier to see things in a balanced way. This helps you make better choices. And better choices lead to better outcomes.
To get the power back -- consider these questions:
- Who is in charge of your emotions? You are. Other people aren't -- all they're in charge of is what they do. You may feel initially frustrated at the conflict, making you feel out of control--that's natural. But after that, how you feel, ongoingly, is entirely up to you.
- Who is in charge of your behavior? You are. Other people are in charge of their behavior. You may have an initial reaction to what they do, but then you get to choose how you will behave, in response.
- What's more important to you -- this job, or retaliating in some way to this person? If your answer is "this job," then not retaliating becomes easier. You're getting what you want (the job), so your need to lash out, lessens.
Four recommendations for handling the conflict:
- Take the high road: Be civil. Remember who you are. You may be tempted to lash out, give them the cold shoulder, or undermine them the way they have you. But then they win. You are a person who walks in respect, integrity, and professionalism. Keep being the real and the best YOU.
- Set aside old grievances and work with the person, if possible. At the same time, keep your wits about you. Don't be "wary" (overly guarded), as this can draw your focus away from important tasks and clamp down on your creativity and openness, simply be "aware" (appropriately guarded).
- If there's been a blow-up: Acknowledge and apologize for any way you contributed (even if small), and state that you would like to move forward productively. Ask if they are willing to mutually discuss what that would look like and what you both need from one another.
- If there is ongoing tension: Acknowledge that fact, state that you would like to work productively with them, and ask if they are willing to talk about it. Most people will acknowledge this respectful approach and agree to it. Mutually and carefully share your perspectives on the situation, each giving the other person a chance to respond. Decide together what to do going forward. This will include each party stating what they need from the other party.
Even if they behave badly, you get to choose a better way. You get to behave like YOU.