Congratulations on Your Excellent Orgasm!

Hi! Hi there! I'm sorry to disturb you! I just wanted to congratulate you on your excellent orgasm! Yes, I heard it through the door at the back of my walk-in closet which, if it weren't locked, opens presumably into your closet? Hearing someone else's hotel sex can be frustrating, but your orgasm was so festive, I found myself cheering you on. And then you had that great cry after. Was it a real sob? And then you cried in joy, like, Whoo! Boy, did I need that! So I just came by to say it was refreshing this morning to hear you while I was journaling alone in my room and texting my friend about our flight back to Newark.

Oh, we're leaving in a few hours, actually. It's funny because my phone kept chiming, and I kept thinking: That's the cheerful sound that comes from my room! Text message chimes! He's a good friend, the text message guy, but we're just friends. He's staying at a hotel in San Diego for a conference. He's married now, just two months! Sex whenever he wants, he says. Anyway, we never worked out, no chemistry there. So I'm here alone, on the isle of Coronado, relaxing by the beach. You haven't been to the beach yet? You'll love it. Oh...you can see it from your window. If I lean like this. My room looks over the pool and the grill. It was so nice to know you were having fun this morning. It was my kind of orgasm, too. High pitched, heartfelt, efficient.

Hi there, handsome! Did your room come with bathrobes? Of course, you brought it with you. Are those Danishes on the dresser? I've been on this island for four days and I haven't seen a decent pastry. But the shrimp tacos in the courtyard restaurant are great. I've been bringing take-out back to my room at night and watching episodes of Barney Miller on TV.com. I've been bonding with Hal Linden at night. They don't write humor like that anymore. Maybe it's a Jewish thing? You don't look Jewish, either! Maybe I do need a bite of something. I had a pot of black coffee this morning -- my room has a coffee maker but I never bought milk -- and that Danish does look yummy.

So yesterday I woke up yesterday morning, was that yesterday, yes yesterday, feeling hopeful because a friend in New York -- another guy I dated and then poof went the chemistry - texted to tell me he has two friends here. One has a boat and the other surfs, so I said: Give 'em both my number! The one with the boat called two nights ago while I was waiting downstairs for the tacos. Did you notice the courtyard smells like fresh hot tortillas in the evening? You just got here this morning? Did I wake you guys up? Boy, you don't waste any time vacationing! Sex, nap, Danish! That's everything worth having in life! But also try the shrimp tacos. The swordfish taco is a little dry, since I didn't put the heavy creamy stuff on it. Once you have a guy locked in you can let yourself go a little. Maybe that's what you've been thinking?

So the boat guy picked me up yesterday morning near the coffee stand with the bran muffins, and when he got out of his car I felt sad because I'm not into the middle-aged hippie type in a poncho with gray hair cut in a Caesar, and the first thing he did was hug me and kiss me on the mouth. Then he hugged me again and said, "That second one was just for me." I worried because he'd said on the phone he's getting over a bronchial thing from a recent trip to India -- this Danish is so fluffy, thank you! -- but I got in his car, and while he was driving he kept touching my arm and my waist, but some people touch you when they're emphasizing, right? But then he touched my hair and said, "Sorry, your hair, those curls are just so...angelic." Yes, it's natural. I put conditioner in it to control the curls, but that's it, basically.

So we got to the boat and it wouldn't start, and he apologized that the sheets on the bed were in a twisted heap and said it was probably his daughter's fault, because his friends who slept on the boat from time to time were neat. I asked if his daughter slept there for tranquility on the water, and he said, "Not to be cynical, but I think she and her boyfriend use the boat to have sex." Then we walked back to his car and he told me he's an entrepreneur -- he recycles kitchen appliances and safety-proofs homes for the handicapped -- and that he has two daughters. The one who uses the boat for sex is a wanderer, like her dad. After she got over her anorexia and got into yoga, she started making jewelry and gluten-free cookies with her boyfriend to make money for her travels, and now she lives with her mother in San Diego. On the way back to the hotel -- I felt tired suddenly -- he got lost looking for the exit to Coronado, and his cough flared up, and he wanted to know if I ever feel depressed and if I have a favorite between my two cats. They're sisters.

After he let me out, I walked to the liquor store and bought cigarettes, even though I don't smoke, and got something with sugar and caffeine to stabilize me. God, no, nothing happened. You're sweet, don't worry. You're so sensitive. But I guess I knew that from your orgasm. Everything got better that evening. My married friend picked me up and we drove to Encinitas to see his high school friend, they're all from India, and his friend's wife made a beautiful Indian meal, and after dinner she started talking like an oracle. She said humanity is coming out of a several-thousand-year-old Iron Age, which is dark and devoid of knowledge, and the best we can do now is to just be, not get caught up in wanting to do and do and do so much and achieve so much. She said those of us who are caught up in achieving now are finding their possessions are being taken away from them, like we had with the global economic crisis? People lost their jobs, titles, homes, everything they were clinging to. But maybe she was telling us to 'just be' because her husband moved them to a suburb in So Cal for his job, so now she's alone and idle all day? But then she brought up marriage, because my friend is so much more stable since he got married, and she said that marriage is good for some people, but some people are meant to be alone. They're just happier alone. They may go out and look for someone, but they always end up alone in the end. Ha! No, I'm not crying. It's probably the phlegmy thing from the boat guy. Ok. I'm crying because you guys seem so happy. What's your secret? Wow, that little girl is having a blast in the pool! Are all the females here screaming in ecstasy except me? That's your daughter? So sweet. I should go. I just wanted to say I'm happy for you, and I hope your good fortune lasts and you're always blessed with a fulfilling sex life. Thank you, yes, I'll take that other Danish. Raisin. You're so thoughtful. Thanks.