I recently released my book Connect, How To Know If He’s Really Your Man, unveiling the importance of connecting with self before finding true love. Since we attract a reflection of where we are at, it’s important to work on our past so we behave in a manner that attracts the partner our soul desires.
After spending eight years healing my own past and connecting with self, I am ready for true love and the best way to make sure that happens is to seek the guidance of a love coach. This will ensure that I stay connected and not repeat any patterns of my past so I decided to reach out to the love doctor, Dr. Diana Kirschner.
PBS Love expert, psychologist and bestselling author, Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. has helped thousands of singles and couples to find the relationships of their dreams. Along with her team of expert Love Mentor® and dating coaches, she uses a unique approach to empower women by phone/Skype all over the world to heal from heartbreak and find lasting love. After hitting the bestseller’s list for her book, Love in 90 Days, she landed and hosted the PBS TV Show Finding Your Own True Love.
Dr. Diana successfully ran the 90 Day Love Challenge on the Fox Morning Show, with highest ratings; frequently appeared on The Today Show; and on: Oprah, Good Morning America, Nightline and Access Hollywood. She is widely quoted on dating, couples and family issues in The New York Times, USA Today, Time Magazine, The New York Post, The LA Times, Cosmopolitan, People magazines and many more.
So in preparation for finding true love in 90 days, I asked Dr. Diana a few questions and here is what she had to say:
What made you decide to go the direction of studying love?
I grew up in a house of five girls and my father really wanted a boy, so I didn’t receive a lot of love. Then when I ventured out to date, feeling unwanted and nonattractive, I settled for guys that weren’t right until one rejected me and this left me devastated as a teen. I let that experience fuel my passion to learn everything I could about love, how love works and how you can build up your self-esteem. After attending college and obtaining a degree in clinical psychology I set up my company Love in 90 Days. My message is that we are all unpolished diamonds on a journey of polishing ourselves and there are no perfect people just frog prince and frog princesses. I create an awareness in my clients and shed light on the truth that how the opposite sex parent raises you is critical to laying a template on how you are going to relate to a partner, that’s why the key to love is loving yourself first.
Was it college that shed light on the need to love self first?
Yes I learned a lot about it in my doctorate program about the early attachment theory, the kind of attachments people form to the mothering one and the incredible love triangle that occurs. In a normal system the opposite sex parent shows love towards the child but a lot of that was for me theoretical. To really help to change that internal identity you really need experience. For me to personally transcend that kind of upbringing that I experienced I needed an experiential process and several of them. The rejections I experienced when dating had reopened past childhood wounds. Then early on I connected with a love mentor who was like a good parent. So I experienced a relationship from a person that prized me and validated me. This supplied me the experience of what it felt like to be appreciated and it allowed me to move forward on a personal level so I could transpose that over to my husband so he could love and validate me.
Why do you feel we fall in love with the story in our mind?
The story emanates from your early childhood but the beauty is you can change the story and you can even change your sense of identity. I talk about The Diamond Self Secret and in that self-work you can build on your unique gifts and the unique character you were even just as a child you were free and playful. You can build on that original innocent loving, lovable self and enlarge that identity for yourself and deliberately give it a Diamond Self name. What my clients are doing is building their self-confidence, naming their own uniqueness in a loving way, and it’s kind of like they are being their own validating parent. This is an example of how the Diamond Self Secret works, remember a time when you feel totally beautiful and irresistible, what colors do you see, feel it, add music to it and give it a name as your new empowered self, an example of some names chosen were Amazing Grace and Vivacious Vixen.
But aren’t we looking at this as altered ego?
The truth is we don’t have any one sense of identity. In the brain there is no hard wiring that represents, I, me or mine. If you look at the part of the brain that has to do with identity it looks like a constantly changing light show, you could see the neurons firing. So your identity is fluid, you can deliberately go in there and create the identity you prefer.
Why do we self-sabotage relationships and how do we change the pattern?
This is an indication you aren’t healed. So to change that self-sabotaging negative thought you can imagine it moving far away. Imagine you are sitting on a nice green grassy bank watching the river flow by, you have thrown that thought in the river and it’s moving down stream far away from you. It’s all about distancing your self from the thought. Or you can try to remember what scene from your childhood this thought emulates. Access that scene and put it on a stage as if you are watching the scene and it has nothing to do with you, remove the color, which is emotion until it becomes grey. Make the scene become small until it disappears. You can also identify the feeling with a negative thought like shame or resentment and when you accept it the feeling tends to diminish, then tell yourself, “It’s alright to feel this way.” There are many ways to handle negative self-sabotaging thoughts.
What advice do you have for someone who has exposed him or herself to online dating and they are frustrated and tired of ending up empty handed?
It’s important to remember that online dating is a numbers game. You are trying to rule out people, you need to lower your expectations and make sure as many people as possible see you. There are ways to optimize the SEO within an online site so more people see you and then quickly rule people out. I talk a lot about this in my Amazon kindle book, Finding Your Soul Mate Online In 6-Simple Steps.
How long should we wait before having sex?
You should have at least two months of consistently improving contact with each other. So you are getting introduced to the person’s friend or family. They should be talking about a long-term relationship with you. When you do decide to have sex, make sure it’s safe sex. You want to make sure you are not getting trapped in a relationship due to a lack of self worth or you will end up feeling bankrupt. Having sex too soon causes you to look past the red flags. This is why it’s important to wait before jumping into sex.
What’s your advice for women who are single, is it a disease?
Some people prefer to be single and that’s ok. Research shows that women who have a good friendship network are just about as happy as women in loving relationships.
As you can see, Dr. Diana provides a clear perspective on dating and why we keep experiencing the same pitfalls. She admits that today we live in a microwave society; everyone is looking for a quick fix. The good news is you can create a long lasting quick shift in yourself in preparation for the love you want by practicing self-care, self-love and self-nurturing. Recognize that love starts with you.
Now that I have worked on myself I am up for the 90-day love challenge. After speaking with Dr. Diana we have agreed to do an online unedited reality show called How To Find Love In 90 Days which will consist of Facebook live videos that can be accessed at Connect the book, YouTube videos, Blogging posts and Huff Post articles. I will be checking in daily on Facebook and sharing my authentic self with viewers and the process it takes to find the true love my soul desires.
If you would like to receive a 40-minute free love gift:
Bestselling love expert Dr. Diana has handpicked and trained a team of awesome Love Mentor® coaches. And you can talk with one of them for free for 40 minutes by phone or Skype! If you have any pressing dating or love questions, sign up for your free session now. Just go click on the word LOVE and you will be talking to a wise helpful Love Mentor® very soon!