Are you a woman who's unusually outspoken? Peculiarly bossy? Preternaturally clever? Is anything about you special or extraordinary in any way? Are you single?
Face it: You're probably a witch.
Why not unlock your inner hellcat and fix yourself up with a nice, unsuspecting man? Or extract your revenge on a mean, unbearable one? The secret to everlasting love or sweet vindication is simply your own willingness to embrace the darkness rooted deep within your heart.
Thanks to a May 1973 issue of Cosmopolitan magazine, we have at our disposal the ancient spellbinding recipes of our enchantress forebears, neatly documented in a listicle. A full five magical spells are inscribed there. They are, briefly:
1. "To Make Love Grow"
Plant an onion. As a vegetable that is "somewhat unusual in formation, in that it consists of many layers" -- not unlike an ogre -- it represents years of happiness. As it grows, so does the metaphor.
It produces a love that will grow slowly but surely. Incidentally, there is one advantage to this spell. If you grow tired of your lover, you can always eat the onion and look for a new lover!
2. "To Start A Torrid Love Affair"
Write his name on a sheet of paper at the same time every day and burn it over a candle at least eight inches long and as blue as your saliva.
This is to make him burn with desire for you. After you have kindled the (metaphorical) [Ed. note: also literal] flame with this spell, it is up to you to see to it that the flame keeps burning.
3. "To Freeze Your Rival"
Stick your lady rival's name in an ice tray. Leave it in the refrigerator.
When it comes to defrosting time, use your neighbor's fridge, but make sure that she does not know why, or or she may tell your rival, who may then cast a counterspell.
Or, never defrost your freezer.
4. "If You Desire Him, Don't Wire Him"
Wrap a red thing around your finger and press it to your forehead, concentrating very hard on the object of your affection. Alternatively, you can burn a blue candle every day for seven days. But be warned:
Another trap is one common to all the spells in this article, namely, that you may not want him once he does contact you and you may find it impossible to get rid of him!
5. "The Full Revenge"
In this "modern version of a gypsy spell that dates back to the fourteenth century," you will use a stick and a brown candle to wreak havoc on your ex-lover's life. First, place the twig in his path at night by "the light of a waning moon." Then, every evening, over the burning candle, recite:
With this twig I break luck.
With this light I show your shame:
Nevermore by day or night
Will your wishes turn out right!
For complete instructions, take a look below. Happy hexing!
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