Home & Living

D.C. Dude Will Marry You For Your Nice Apartment (Unless You're A Republican)

So, you're in your 30s. And, yay, you've got a great job, right here in the nation's capital! But rent is really, really expensive, and you have five roommates.

"There is also a cat. There used to be a couple of mice before we got the cat," says a man who asked to be identified by the initials T.R.S.

The mice are gone now -- see, cat -- but the situation's still not ideal. For one, T.R.S. thinks the cat is plotting against him. For another, "it would be nice not to wonder if someone came home drunk and maybe accidentally used my toothbrush," he says. "Again."

You might be wondering why this well-employed adult doesn't just move out, to his modest-seeming "ideal situation": a one-bedroom apartment "in a neighborhood where I don't have to shoo passed-out drunks from my front porch or watch my neighbors do drugs on the sidewalk while holding their toddlers."

Problem is, "you're either going to pay nearly $2,000 a month for a small space in a safe-ish area, or you're going to pay less and live in a sketchy area," he says. "There is nothing fun about apartment hunting in D.C. Have you ever tried it? Especially if you're looking on Craigslist."

T.R.S. has a solution. It's unorthodox. And, well, it also involves Craigslist.

The Rent is TOO HIGH! Solution, let's get married!

Who can afford this ridiculous rent here in DC? Not this guy. $1,800 for a studio so small you can stick our your arms and touch the walls in a sketchy neighborhood. Sure, here's 50% of my monthly income, thank you.

We all know that parquet floors is code for "this building is older than you are." And "up and coming neighborhood" means you'll probably get mugged on a semi-regular basis. Any building that with a "classic" look is falling apart. You're sick and tired of having mice run around your pantry?

Me too. Solution? Let's get married. (Kinda!) All of the married couples get to split rent on a 1br. Dating and getting married is expensive and time consuming. Ain't nobody got time for that! We'll just skip ahead to the living together part. Cool?

I am- a 30 yo male. Employed. Reasonably attractive. Healthy. Never married. No kids. Good job. Great hygiene. Bonus: I'm a cuddler!

You are - A female between the ages of 26 and 33. Social drinker. Non smoker. No drugs. Good hygiene. No felony charges. Healthy.

We find a one bedroom in a great apartment building with granite counter tops, rude 24hr concierge, and floor-to-ceiling windows. This is a must! We move in together. Enjoy the amenities. Have friends over. Enjoy life.

Caveat - You must love live music, books, crazy wild sex, good wine, and be willing to try out my (often misguided) attempts at cooking.

Who needs dating and getting to know each other and all that nonsense?! We can just cohabitate at 425 Mass, View 14, West End 25, Post Mass Ave...

If interested (and how could you not be after this kick-ass proposal?), respond with a little bit about yourself. Please include photos!

(No Republicans, please.)

*Also, we're not for real getting married. Maybe...*

T.R.S. promises HuffPost that he is not currently dating anyone, has never been married, and is on a month-to-month rent agreement. He is, in other words, available for both love and a lease.

"With dating, at least there is always that Hollywood hope that your perfect match will come along and you'll live happily ever after," he says. "Fun fact: The worst date I've ever been on, halfway through dinner the woman told me that she was married and that they were swingers. She then invited me back to her place. I declined."

He describes himself as "terribly disorganized" but working on it. He'd like a small wedding, maybe in Vegas, and is a "music snob," a dog-lover and an enthusiastic cook. He is also already prepared to bow to his future wife/co-leaseholder's furniture preferences.

Where he is not willing to compromise? Republicans. T.R.S. says no matter how sad he is about living with five roommates and a devious cat, and whatever qualities a Red State woman might bring to the kitchen table, he just doesn't want to hear from her.

"The thought of someone sitting in my living room watching Glenn Beck, nodding in agreement, is terrifying. I couldn't fall asleep next to that," he says.

Unfortunately, as of Tuesday, that's who's shown some interest in his proposal.

"One person responded, 'I hope your hand gets stuck in your shiny new liberal garbage disposal.' So I've got that going for me, which is nice," he says, going on to lament "the insane cost of renting" in Washington.

"It is a city full of young professionals who are social and relatively well-paid, you wouldn't think that we'd have such a hard time finding a safe neighborhood to live in and someone to pair up with," he says. "We have all the elements working for us, what are we doing wrong?"

UPDATE: May 23, 11:48 a.m.: T.R.S. has a date! It's coming up on Monday. He tells HuffPost that he and his prospective roomie, etc., will likely "go grab a beer."

"I think apartment hunting is more second date material," he says, "don't ya think?"

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