It's tough to find a roommate.
Between hygiene habits, shared bills and awkward social interactions, it can be enough to cough up the $1300 for a studio.
But as of Wednesday, the search became a little easier for San Franciscans when one bold Craigslister claimed that — so long as you don't mind a bit of conceit and a whole lot of vulgarity — he is the perfect roommate. In fact, the "best. roommate. ever." At least for the single, twentysomething crowd.
In the extremely colorful post, the writer explained why he would be a fun and considerate roommate in a slightly less-than-professional manner. "I was sending really professional replies to all these folks. I mean, really top-notch, clean-cut replies," the writer, who requested anonymity, explained to The Huffington Post. "I didn't get a single response or acknowledgement from anyone, which put me in a very discouraging situation. So, on Wednesday I finally figured out that I was a marketing guy and put my skills to work." Thus, he became the Best Roommate Ever.
Best Roommate Ever (BRE) starts off the post with a worldly opening ("Konichiwa, b*****s") and leads into a brief description of his professional and educational histories. He also immediately states that he has landed a job with a San Francisco marketing firm, leading readers to assume that rent will indeed be paid. The Alabama-born BRE is relocating from New York City ("That's right. What you know about experience?"), and provides a timeline (three weeks) and an estimated share of rent ($1000).
BRE gets right to the issues, addressing common points of roommate contention, including private property ("If you leave your s*** out I'm like, 'Oh f*** I better not mess with this s***, because it's not mine.'"), cooking ("I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that s*** in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT."), hobbies ("Sometimes I play guitar…I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James F****** Taylor.") and social interaction ("We can watch the s*** out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out…or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!"). And though his book selections are somewhat stale (Hawthorne, Vonnegut), we appreciate a man who reads.
He also includes a list of belongings ("two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a s***oad of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip."), indicating that — contrary to possible assumption — he won't be taking over your living room with Transformers posters or all-night sessions of Xbox Live.
How has the post been received? "I've gotten countless email replies and can't field them fast enough," he told HuffPost. "I've been offered jobs, free drinks, sex, pictures of tits, places to crash all over the world. From Cape Town to Japan...I'd say the best responses I've received are from those that just want to tell me that I made them laugh or even just smile. It's a really cool thing to know that something I made was able to brighten someone's day."
The post received so much attention, that the writer has even created a Twitter account with highly amusing updates to sweeten the deal. ("Have a girlfriend? I promise not to sleep with her. #bestroommateever")
We're betting Best Roommate Ever might translate to "absolute worst nightmare" to a few headhunters out there. But for some, BRE might be the baby bear of Craigslist: just right.
Check out the original Craigslist post here, or read the full description below (CAUTION: post contains extremely vulgar language):
Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.
Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.
A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.
I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesday's with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!
Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!
A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?
I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shit already!
Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money.