Craving Imperfection

How do we play our role in making the world a more accepting place? First, we need to accept that we're all insecure to a certain extent and that we romanticize our experiences in one way or another.
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A little while ago, Brian Chesky (CEO and co-founder of Airbnb) shared a blog post documenting how he and Joe Gebbia were rejected from all seven investors that they were introduced to in the early days. At the time, Airbnb was raising money at a $1.5 million valuation (Airbnb is now valued at $25.5 billion).

What was awesome about this is that Brian made himself vulnerable. He showed that it's possible to be successful and have everything seem to go wrong but still turn out okay (or more than okay). We don't make ourselves vulnerable often enough, and it's a serious problem. Instead, we romanticize our lives and our often ordinary experiences, propagating a culture of intimidation and unattainable success.

It feels good to romanticize our lives to others. It feels good to feel a part of a fairy tale. It feels good to have had other experiences that people dream about. Simply put, it feels good to feed our ego . And we do this everyday. When we tell our roommates about just how perfect the class earlier that day was or the fancy perks at our new job in San Francisco, we are romanticizing. And this is perfectly normal -- we're not bad for wanting this; it's part of what makes us human. But we need to try to stop because it's having a bigger effect than we think.

We're making a very imperfect world seem perfect [1].

The Side Effects of Romanticizing

For people who aren't arrogantly overconfident in their abilities, romanticizing can be extremely intimidating. It creates a space where it seems only the best of the best have a shot at anything. We weren't the valedictorian, so how can we go to a good school? We couldn't raise money for our startup, so how can we be successful? We got rejected before even reaching a first round interview at our dream job, so how will we ever make it? In other words, we're enforcing this belief that if everything isn't going for you right now, you probably won't be successful [2]. And everyone, successful or not, knows that's wrong.

This implicit intimidation is especially harmful because it is so unassuming. It implants itself in the subconscious and comes through especially in insecure moments, making people feel even less adequate than they thought they were. We all need to create a more accepting, vulnerable, and authentic world so that we don't intimidate those around us.

Storytelling Manipulated

There are two main reasons why we feel the need to romanticize.

The first is that as human beings, storytelling is among the most basic and fundamental ways of communication. Through stories, we find faith, morals, and inspiration. When framed as an inspirational account of someone else's experiences, romanticizing can be good. However, with the evolution of ratings-driven media, our desire for storytelling has been manipulated. In order to get viewers, the media needs to manipulate reality and create fictional structures when they aren't necessary. However, the media's tendency to distort reality is causing us to do the same with everyone we meet. In order to get ahold of people's shrinking attention spans, we feel the need to romanticize our experiences and create stories from unwarranted experiences.

The other reason that spurs our drive to romanticize is born from ego and insecurity. It's human to want to feel like you are doing well. By embellishing your own experiences, you get external validation that satisfies the internal ego. This desire for external validation to satisfy the internal ego likely stems from a place of insecurity. If we were truly fulfilled and satisfied with our lives, why would we ever need external validation? And there's a vicious circle here because insecurity breeds the need to romanticize which further breeds insecurity in the audience.

Creating a More Vulnerable World

So how do we play our role in making the world a more accepting place? First, we need to accept that we're all insecure to a certain extent and that we romanticize our experiences in one way or another. In fact, I think that romanticizing is so inbred in our psyche that most of us don't have a true grasp of what is realistically accurate even if we think we do. Accordingly, we need to start assessing our own experiences more accurately, to the extent that it seems like we're downplaying them. Next time you find yourself telling people about an experience that happened, I'd suggest to downplay it to a seemingly unreasonable degree [3]. At that point, I'd argue that you're probably more accurately describing your experiences. The goal here is to be as realistic and honest as possible, not to be modest [4].

This notion of downplaying your own experiences is hard. Conversations will inherently seem less engaging and your ego definitely won't be as happy. But it's important in creating a world of acceptance rather than intimidation.

The world is arguably in a better place than it has ever been. We have some incredible things to be boast about everyday. We should boast, as long as it is based in reality.

What we shouldn't do is let the rise of media and our own insecurity trick us into boasting a false sense of achievement and happiness to others. We're not just fooling ourselves but dangerously fooling our friends, families, and acquaintances into believing a distorted reality. Success and happiness, even at the highest levels [5], is more achievable than we probably think. Let's make a seemingly perfect world more imperfect.

[1] This also applies to pessimists and pragmatists. I'd argue that most of us know the true state of our lives, but it's how we express that state to others, especially the general public vs. our closest friends and family, that is often romanticized.

[2] I think this is happening all the time. We don't just romanticize major moments but it's the little things as well (e.g., when we tell our friends about one of our co-workers is the smartest person we've ever met). In essence, we are telling the audience: if you don't have these incredible epiphanic moments, you are less special. We romanticize without realizing. That's scary.

[3] It's kind of like public speaking. Public speaking experts talk about how you should slow down your speech to a pace that seems unreasonable in your head but to the audience, it's usually just the right tempo.

[4] Sometimes we tell stories about our lives with the very clear intention that we are embellishing the details. As long as that's clear to both yourself and the audience, I think that's fair game.

[5] I have been extraordinarily lucky to have met some incredible people ranging from New York Times' bestselling authors to movie stars to billionaires to the world's best professors. I have realized that these phenomenal individuals are incredibly well accomplished but they are also just as human as you and me. They have high highs and low lows, though on the surface these may seem very different. They watch Netflix. They even question their own abilities. If you were to ask them how they're feeling right now, they may not even be that happy. This is an empowering realization because it means they're only human, just like us. Their level of achievement is within our grasp. With the right discipline and luck, we can achieve what these people have achieved. These people are great, but greatness in itself is not this unattainable phenomenon the world makes it seem.

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This post was originally featured on my blog, Mind Mentos.

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