"Incorporate the good from other cultures and hold on to your roots. Change is inevitable but change for good. Become a blend of past and present so people will love and respect you for who you were and what you have become.”
Parenting--I wish it was as easy as the word sounds. We all face challenges constantly and as a parent, I often wonder if I am doing the right thing. My parents had excellent parenting skills and despite having different parenting styles, they worked like a team. They left no room for us to manipulate them. Their parenting skills played an important role in shaping my sister's and my personality. It didn't dawn on me until I was older that, like any other marriage, they too had disagreements, but they worked out their issues behind closed doors. As much as I try to incorporate their parenting skills into mine, I find it quite challenging and most of the time get distracted by my personal frustrations.
My father's excellent parenting skills were due to the immense amount of patience he possessed. His remarkable ability to remain calm regardless of the intensity of the situation was astounding. He never raised his voice or grew frustrated and truly believed that communication was the only successful way of disciplining a child. As a parent, it amazes me how he did it with such ease and grace. Spanking and yelling was not his style. However, I vividly remember the first and the last time he spanked me. I must have been twelve or thirteen years old. Our neighbor said something in English that didn't make sense. I couldn't get myself to stop laughing. That day my dad was furious. In a low tone and with a mild spank, he made it clear to me that he had no tolerance for arrogant behavior. It has been a couple of decades since then and I still haven't forgotten it.
This also taught me an important lesson: we need to save our disciplinary actions for important issues. If we are constantly yelling and disciplining children, they become immune. Now I realize that many times he did see me make mistakes, but pretended not to notice them. He was just saving his disciplinary action for the times when it was absolutely necessary.
Like any other parent I aim to provide the best for my son. Countless times when I discipline him, I find myself telling him, "I placed you in a good school, try to provide you with the best, and yet you misbehave." I once said that when my father was around. He took me to the side and said, "He didn't ask for it; you made that choice. It is your duty to provide. He doesn't owe you anything. Talking to him in a normal tone might work better than making him feel guilty. Guilt driven parenting has negative effects."
My father was an honors student from kindergarten until he graduated from engineering school. I was a B grader--the only B grader in the family. I was in a private school and a B grade essentially meant failure. He never imposed his grades on me nor did he ever tell me that I had failed despite of being provided the best. All he would say was, "I know you can do better; you are no less than any honors student in your class." When life challenges me, his words of encouragement always ring in my mind. I feel confident and ready to take risks. Positive reinforcement was what he believed in and I am glad he stayed away from comparing me with others. That would have shattered my confidence. He taught me nothing is impossible. With perseverance and hard work I could achieve anything.
Another incredible quality my father possessed was his ability to deal with stressful situations; he never let his worries and problems trickle down to us. Life's circumstances or daily stresses never made him succumb to frustration or anger. We never had to bear consequences of his burdens or worries. Any day was a good day to talk to him. This gave us immense amount of security and room to grow without fear.
Little things he did that made a mark in our lives.
The greatest gift he gave me and my sister was his time and unconditional love. No matter how hectic his day was, he would take the time to help us with homework and then entertain us. From Monopoly and chess to cards and Scrabble, we have played every game I can think of. This was a rare thing to do for an Indian father thirty-five years ago. The minute he walked out of the office it was our time to bond. He encouraged us to draw and write essays. My father strictly believed that writing and drawing makes one's creative mind grow. Back then in India, most people believed that art and drawing was waste of time.
He would make us write inspirational quotes and stick them on the wall. Every time I sat on my desk I would end up reading them. Over time, they got engraved somewhere in my brain. I remember the quote,"For a long time I complained I had no shoes till I saw a man who had no feet." It is amazing how little things can help shape your personality.
Last but not the least, back in India having a son was a dream and a must. My sister and I were born a year apart and my parents were happy campers. While other mothers lived under the stress of bearing a boy, my mother was busy raising us. Never did my father show the desire to have a son. When people asked him, "Don't you want to have a son?" his reply would be short and simple, "I have two daughters. What do I need a son for?" That answer made my heart burst with pride and I felt complete.
I clearly remember at the age of 16, I longed to go to a boarding school in South India. Everyone advised him against it. Back then sending a young girl so far away for education was rare. The minute he found out that the boarding school I wanted to go to would provide me with better education, he decided to send me. That day he gave me wings and I knew I was no less than a boy to him. He let me fly with these words of wisdom, "Incorporate the good from other cultures and hold on to your roots. Change is inevitable but change for good. Become a blend of past and present so people will love and respect you for who you were and what you have become."