Tired of the same old yule log? Have you memorized every pop, crack and sizzle -- and found the exact moment where it loops?
Then you'll appreciate the newest version of the yule log, especially if you're among the 7 billion or so people planning to see the new "Star Wars" film this weekend: Five hours of Darth Vader roasting from "Return of the Jedi."
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"Cuddle up with your loved ones and bask in the warming glow of this five hour Darth Vader yule log," wrote YouTuber BenjaminApple, who posted the video. "Perfect for holiday parties."
While others have previously looped the scene of Vader burning for yule logs (including one with a wintry snow effect), this latest version is by far the longest.
For other yule log options, there's also the Nick Offerman Yule Log, the NSFW Yule Log and of course the original WPIX Yule Log, first shown on local television in New York in 1966.
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3D Plush Sweater
UglyChristmasSweater.com
Grandma got run over by a reindeer? Child's play. Wait until you relate the gripping story of how a reindeer ran into you on the way to this Christmas party. I smell a winning sweater. Wait, I think I'm smelling something stinkier. ($67.95, UglyChristmasSweater.com)
Gift-wrapped Holiday Suit
HalloweenCostumes.com
As fun as ugly Christmas sweaters are, they aren't appropriate at every holiday function. This gift-wrapped suit is a festive, but dressy outfit to wear at fancy holiday parties. It also is loud enough to ensure you're seen in traffic if you're walking down a dark road at night, so it has that going for it. ($99.99, HalloweenCostumes.com)
Chrome Handled Gun Mug
Stupid.com
Here's the deal: This gun-themed coffee mug is not for everyone. But if you give it to someone who doesn't like it, you can tell them, "Hey, it was worth a shot." ($9.99, Stupid.com)
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Bigfoot Garden Statue
Discovery.com
Garden gnomes are so passe, especially when your garden can have a Sasquatch statue near the roses. It's not as a big as a real Bigfoot, but, thankfully, it's not as smelly, either. ($156.95, Discovery Channel Store)
Potty Piano
TheGiftsForMen.com
Singing in the shower? Bah! Playing piano on the potty? Now that's special. Learn to play "Jingle Bells" on this 13-note keyboard and you will be a whiz to be reckoned with. Luckily it's battery-operated so you won't get electrocuted if you accidentally leak on the keyboard. ($39.99, Thegiftsformen.com)
The Cat Ball
TheCatBall.com
The Cat Ball serves two functions: It's a place for your lazy cat to while away some of the 20 hours it spends sleeping, and it's a way to teach kids about the food chain. ($99, TheCatBall.com)
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"Personalized" David Hasselhoff Autographed Poster
Stargifts.com
Want to get your loved ones a big gift of cheese that doesn't need refrigeration? This "personalized" David Hasselhoff autographed poster is just the ticket. The term "personalized" is in quotes because the "Baywatch" bohunk is not actually in a room signing these pics. A machine duplicates his autograph. However, that means you can have "David" write anything you want. Anything. Boggles the mind, don't it? ($19.95, StarGifts.com)
Krampus Christmas Demon Costume
HalloweenCostumes.com
Santa Claus has a better press agent, but the Krampus is also a popular Christmas tradition in countries that speak German. The idea is that he punishes kids who've been very naughty. Certainly, a costume like this will win hands down over any sweater at the holiday part. Even better: since the Krampus is supposed to punish the naughty, you can use this to your advantage, if you get my drift. ($84.99, HalloweenCostumes.com)
Portrait Of Darth Vader Sipping Tea Amongst The Flowers
Etsy.com
Looking for a portrait that will brighten any wall in the house? This portrait of Darth Vader sipping tea amongst flowers certainly fills that need. "Luke, I am your father. Pass the cream, please." ($25, Etsy.com)
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Gold-Plated Mako Shark Jaw
http://www.swgrgallery.com/artists/
If one of your relatives is a member of the One Percent, than you really need to go all out to get something special, something they'd never buy for themselves. Something NO ONE would buy for themselves. That means a gold-plated mako shark jaw, which is a steal at $10,000 (although it's unlikely anyone would want to steal it). ($10,000, SWGRgallery.com)
Santa's Not Real Sweatshirt
DentzDenim.com
Even buzz-killing bastards like to get in the Christmas spirit. Actually, they don't. That's why they are buzz-killing bastards. Still, this dark, depressing sweatshirt is a subtle way of ruining Christmas for young and old alike. ($24, DentzDenim.com)
Nice And Naughty Two-Person Sweater
TipsyElves.com
Couples looking for a way to share their holiday spirit could do worse than this two-person sweater. The problem comes when the couple can't decide who is naughty and who is nice. ($89.95, TipsyElves.com)
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Decorative Santa In The Out
Menards.com
Santa is usually depicted on a sleigh or near a Christmas tree, but if he's like most men after the age of 50, he probably spends a substantial amount of time on the john. This statue honors Mr. Claus by depicting him in an outhouse. Jolly old elf, indeed. ($15.99, Menards.com)
Alien Socks
LivingRoyal.com
If you're going to be abducted by aliens, why not do it in style? Certainly, these knee-high socks are a reason for anyone to phone home about -- even if they're not extraterrestrials. ($15, LivingRoyal.com)
Hipster Recreation Of Hobo Sticks
bindlebros.com
Everything old is new again and the Bindle is proof. It's basically a bandana on a stick much like the ones that are only used by cartoon hobos. The difference is, the Bindle is made by Brooklyn hipsters, so it costs as much as $350. Presumably, the sticks are artisan crafted. Or not. ($89-$350, BindleBros.com)
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Drinking Game Christmas Sweater
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This ugly Christmas sweater will liven up any party. That is, if you don't mind being pelted with velcro balls. ($89.95, TipsyElves.com)
Money Face Mask
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Do you dream of money? Sure you do, but your dreams of wealth can only be better if you're wearing a face mask filled with cut-up pieces of currency. Not only does it block out the sunlight, but also the reality of your precarious financial situation. ($13.99, MoneyNeverSleepz.com)
Slippers That Warm Via A USB Port
ModCloth.com
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Optimus Prime Robe
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The Toilet Water Dish
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To badly paraphrase Jane Austen: "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that dogs love drinking out of the toilet." This can lead to a mess for a variety of reasons, plus, it's just gross. The toilet-shaped dog water bowl allows Fido to get his potty water fix in a more socially acceptable manner. ($19.95, Stupid.com)
Astronaut Flask
HomeWetBar.com
If being on a spaceship for months at a time isn't a reason to drink, I don't know what is. This astronaut-themed flask is a good way for Earthlings to remember that NASA is also the initials for "Nice Alcohol Stupor Asshat." ($39.95, HomeWetBar.com)
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Clutch Bag That Looks Like A Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich
DrunkMall.com
Purses and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches have little in common other than being nouns that begin with the letter "P." This clutch bag that resembles the popular schoolyard lunch goes a small way to reducing that divide. My dream is to see a female celebrity carry this at an awards show. I will probably dream for a long time. ($3.99, FunSlurp.com)
Bracelet That Is Really A Flask
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Your fashion-conscious friends will say, "Hmm, nice non-descript bracelet." Your alcoholic buddies will say, "Oh, my God! That's a flask! Hey, look! She's got a flask on her hand! Oh, I need a drink. Can I take a sip? Please? Please? Seriously." You should be warned: It only holds barely a shot so you may want to wear a bunch of them and say you're doing a retro-Cyndi Lauper Madonna thing." ($39.99, ModCloth.com)
Male Stripper Wine Bottle Holder
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Surely, you've thought, "I wish my wine bottle holder was blatantly phallic." We all have, right? Thank goodness for this bottle holder. If I could, I'd thank the creator of it by sticking a dollar in their underwear. ($24.99, AlwaysFits.com)
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Dirt Of The Month Club
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Picture this: Your loved ones wake up Christmas morning and discover you got them a bag of dirt. Even better: The promise of more -- another bag of dirt each month for the rest of the year. Yeah, they may hate you, but then you'll point out that there is gold in the bags. They will love you -- until you tell them they have to pan for it. ($39.95-$299.95, PayDirtGold.com)
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Bigfoot Kettlebell
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Cheeseburger Ball Gag
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Happy Llamakkah
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Cricket Candy Bar
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Pee And Poop Stuffed Toys
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