DATELINE JANUARY, 2018: President Trump's First State of the Union Address

Good evening. Members of Congress, The Supreme Court, and let me just say aren't my three appointments all beautiful? I said I treat women well and I've appointed three to the highest court in the land. One's a Latina, who probably started life as a house keeper. And look at her now. On the Supreme Court sitting in the front row for my first state of the union speech. And did she get fat like that disgusting Miss Universe that crooked Hillary tried to use against me? No. Justice Juanita is as slim as you get. I call you by your first name, is that okay? Thanks. You're great. Not a 10 mind you cause at 60 years what do you expect on top. But definitely a 7. Cross your legs for the cameras honey. That's right, beautiful. And remember on that vote coming up on my conflicts of interest, we made a deal right. You're beautiful. I love it.

Where was I? Okay. Members of Congress, The Supreme Court (Winks at them), The Joint Chiefs of Staff, whose your chairman now huh? How about those bombs we dropped all over the Middle East. No ISIS left there, I'll tell you. There's nobody left there. Ha! Nobody crosses Trump's America. Of course the oil fields don't work, but that's okay we got nuclear. In a year or two we should be able to stop rationing energy in all those cities and states that don't have Trump properties. Damn good thing I built those buildings so we had an energy criteria, or the lights would be out everywhere.

I'm proud to report the state of our union is great again (Right arm held up, finger pointing to top of room) I'd like to thank the American people once again for electing me. I said we'd make America great again and we did. Starting with my being President. What could be greater than that? (Arms held wide out, palms flat.) And Melania as first lady! Give it up for Melania (Claps) and the nude photo spread she did at the White House. Some people criticized me for that, but it's fashionable and important to ratings around the world. That one photo spread did more for international relations than anything else we've done in our country's history, I can tell you that. Every state dinner we have, all those ambassadors and prime ministers from around the world, wait in line to meet Melania and get an autographed photo. She's great. A real bonus. By the time she's done with them they're begging to come back and the negotiation is easy. And we are giving the federal government a discount on her retainer fee because we're so patriotic. Not like that Kenyan couple that lived here before, you know who I mean.

With the election over, we realized that since not a single African American voted for me. Not one. Talk about rigged. Well it's clear that as a group they are biased and don't belong here. They're African Africans, not African Americans. So we moved them to the top of the deportation list. All of them. We had no choice. That's going to solve the entire race relations problem in one swoop, cut our prison costs in half. And apparently open up a lot of seats at colleges and there is extra housing availability with lower prices in some upscale neighbors. I'm not quite sure why all that is, but in any case it means more room for the real Americans. We'll let the good Africans back in of course, for a fee, after they've take a loyalty oath to the United States and its President, whoever that may be.

And while we're talking about before, I'd like to report on an investigation we've now conducted on those Gold Star parents who slandered me in the election. There really isn't any proof that their killed-in-action son was actually their son. He may actually have been born in America - Well we are sure of that. And maybe to white parents, and then adopted. His natural American parents I'm talking about were probably killed, probably by immigrants. Anyway this is what the people doing the investigation, who are the best people, are telling me they are looking into. That a lot of people are saying this. I'm not saying it because I'm not the kind of guy to talk about these things or hold grudges. But a lot of people are saying it. And the American people have a right to know.

Let's talk about the economy. As you know we have an unemployment rate of 20%, but this is mostly the children of immigrants. So when we get ready to deport the Mexicans, after the Africans, once the Mexicans are done building the wall, we are going to have to round up these immigrant people too. Not if their parents came here when the white people did or anyone who came from Europe. But the more recent ones that aren't here to be real Americans. That they were born here can't be factored in. We need a great economy and they're in the way. It's time we took care of ourselves.

Setting aside the unemployment rate, which is not the real Americans, things are going great. We have incredible buildings going up, new casinos, trade deals that have pretty much stopped all imports so we're not paying China for anything anymore. That's an applause line. Excuse me are the applause signs working so the audience here knows when to applaud? All at once too. In a Trump administration everyone in congress applauds if they want to keep their job. No more of that partisan BS where half of you don't stand up and applaud. I promised the American people I was going to end partisan politics and that starts right here.

So a bunch of those other countries don't take our stuff and it's lowered our exports. But screw them. We make the best stuff. They don't want it, too bad for them. Perhaps our greatest accomplishment, and I have to say it - is directly the result of allowing my kids to be in the cabinet while they are running Trump Inc. The public-private partnerships they put together are driving a new level of prosperity. And creating tens of thousands of jobs. That's actually the low estimate cause it's just what's actually tracked. These things are never right. The high is 10, maybe 30 million jobs. Imagine what unemployment would be without the help of Ivanka, Eric, and Donald Jr. And I want to thank the congress for passing the law that allowed us to cut the deal with no bidding, no scrutiny, and with built-in immunity.

It's sad to say this, but we all have to be grateful crooked Hillary had that seizure that paralyzed her the morning of the election, cause if not for that, her rigging of the election would have caused me to lose. I may have only won by 1 point over a comatose opponent, but it doesn't matter. Winning is winning. Good thing nobody believed her press that the seizure was a fake story put up by my Roger and Fox. Well she's locked up now and maybe some day will have a trial. Based on our new sedition acts, same as our founding father John Adams had. Back to basics, folks.

Excuse me, my advisors just tell me that Putin has invaded 10 countries in Eastern Europe and called me a putz and a wuss again. We gotta react folks. (Arms out.) I told you when he annexed the Ukraine we should've dropped the big one on him and the Ukraine too. If we can't have it, nobody can. That's the policy we have to follow or they take advantage. I would have too, but Kenyan boy hid the codes.

Give me a moment while I draw a line on Twitter for him to cross anyway. Our national security and our allies, who by the way love me almost as much as they love Melania, need us to defend their turf. And now that I'm President they are paying their fair share through that public-private partnership we set up.

(Typing) "Hey @CommieHomoVlad." (Pauses) I call him that cause you know he rides horses without a shirt and hugs and kisses little boys. Just saying. It's a good name for him. He has no stamina and it breaks his negotiating will down. If not for that he'd have taken over France 6 months sooner.

"Hey@CommieHomoVlad. Call me a wuss again and I'll drop the big one on your Pinko Square Kremlin." That will show him.

Wait let's put some teeth in it this time. Joint Chiefs go to DEFCON 1 right now and arm the missiles. That should get a rise out of CommieHomoVlad. What, you need congressional approval? They're all sitting right here. Are you blind and deaf? Nobody objected. Their mouths are all open with dropped jaws. Dead silent. That's what you call your unanimous consent. What, I have to do this myself again? I'm giving a speech here.

Donald Junior. You, here take the nuke keys. I gave you the codes to take care of when we made new ones. There are extra copies with the doormen at Trump Tower and Margo Largo if you can't find them. Oh yeah and on Google Docs. Can't beat that for security. My own accounts are much better than government tech. Those two kids that created Google. That's born in America, made in America. That's what makes us great again. Donnie you take care of it. Text me if there's a problem.

Oh look we're out of time. Well that's too bad because I was gonna go over how great America is one year into a Trump Presidency. All the stats. So many stats they can't even fit into a speech. But believe me if they could you'd all be thrilled to know how great we are doing. How the economy is up. Foreign affairs have never been better. The immigrants are all so scared they are running, not walking I tell you, but running so fast as they can to get home. So fast, we probably don't even need to build the wall.

We got nukes armed daily so nobody's messing with us. No more terrorists. More babes every day. No time for the stats on that now. But don't worry we got at least 16 years more of State of the Union's I'll be giving, since by executive order I've suspended elections until 2032. Had to, we got nukes on DEFCON 1. Military emergency, folks. We'll talk about it all in a couple of years. Goodnight everybody.