Celebrity chef and author Anthony Bourdain is on the market again after his nine-year marriage to Ottavia Busia. Although it may be too soon to suggest he take a leap from the hot pan of matrimony into the fire of the dating scene, perhaps he might develop a taste for the greener side of the menu de l'amour. Besides, a good tomato is worth the wait, even if it's beefsteak.
Bourdain's well-known disdain of vegetarians has closed an entire option off the dating menu. He is one of the most famous omnivores, and there's no part of the animal he doesn't like (unless it's rotting shark innards in Iceland or the free-range rectum of a warthog in Namibia). But it's not just simply because he enjoys eating meat that makes him a bad boy carnivore. His reputation is also buffeted by his passionate loathing for anything vegetarian, or, god forbid, vegan. Case in point:
"Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter-faction, the vegans, are a persistent irritant to any chef worth a damn. To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living."
Now, Tony said this with the sly smirk of a fifth grade boy who likes to pull the ponytails of girls at lunchtime. My mom told me if boys tease you, that means they like you. (And despite Bourdain's smack talk about vegetarians, I kinda like him too.) That's why I think Tony should consider dating an adventurous sort of vegetarian. Besides, at the age of 60, he's a dashing catch for any type of lady with a taste for culinary adventures. Fellow omnivore Chef Mark Bittman went vegan without commitment and he's doing just fine. Bad ass rocker Alice Cooper is vegan. So is Keith Richards. (Kidding about Keef.)
Dating vegetarian women may be more interesting than you think. There's this myth that just because vegetarians prefer veggie chorizo to offals, they aren't good to dine with omnivores. But what kind of daring veggie mistress would be a good match for Tony? Here's a list of ways Bourdain could romance a veggie girl away from the Garden of Vegan into the feral eat streets of parts unknown:
She likes it raw and plant-based, you like it rotten and funky. What's good to share? Kimchi. All kinds of kimchi. Banchan (side dishes) generally have vegetarian kimchi options (not always but mostly), such as seasoned seaweed, shishito peppers, mushrooms, mungbean sprouts, cabbage, lotus root, radish, and cucumber. Korean food offers plenty of options for vegetarians while keeping those meaty men happy. Order up some seaweed soup, veggie bibimbap, vegan kimbab and tofu salad for the lady, then dig in to your bulgogi like the hungry beast that you are. If she's aware of your animal instincts, she might throw you a bone, but I'm pretty sure you'll already have one.
She'll watch you eat sisig if you watch her eat kale. Okay, you cringe at the mention of kale, but if she likes the way you eat a pig's face, you're doing just fine. Just keep calm and get your boudin noir going in the boudoir. She won't ask if it's soy sausage, I'm quite sure.
Be the Yang to her Yin. If you are ordering a plate of raw pig brains to submerge into your fiery Sichuan broth, she may counter your cranial cravings by munching into crunchy lotus root and tong ho greens. Okay, so that's not really a fair contrast, but you can have your goose intestine and pork kidney, just as long as you don't dunk your fishballs into her side of the pot. Through that thin metal separator between the bubbling yin yang cauldron, there's a chance some cerebral seepage tainted her tofu. (Give her some street cred for that. Even more if she kisses you after dinner.)
Be her Adam and make her Eve. There's a chef in Los Angeles' Chinatown that can single-handedly prepare an eight-foot boa constrictor, turning every bit of it into an eight course feast. Your vegan date just might tolerate your supping on snake after it proves to be a powerful aphrodisiac. Slurp up that serpentine power and make her feel like a natural woman. If you really like her apples, go and shake her tree.
Baby Got Bun. Vegetarian cuisine has come a long way with faux meats, so sink your teeth into some hot and spicy bun (pronounced as bün and boon as in booty) noodles when the date spot is a little vegan and a lot Vietnamese. Many Vietnamese places offer a great variety of vegan and vegetarian options on their menu. (See? You can date a vegan, Tony.)
Indian food is great for a dream date between an omnivore and a vegetarian. Besides, Tony liked Ganesha Temple in Queens, where he realized that "vegetarian food doesn't have to suck." Which makes me think that if given the chance, he just might consider a vegetarian to join him at his romantic table for two. Bourdain says he's not a dream date for a vegetarian, but perhaps he just hasn't found the right veggie girl as his main entrée yet.