The other day, I paused while deep conditioning my hair in the shower and began to think long and hard about what I did to screw up my last date with this guy I was starting to like. Like really like.
We went out twice and after our second date, I dialed three people on my favorites list to tell them all about it.
That sounds crazy, doesn't it?
But it's not.
I go on dates every so often, and after most of them, I want to toss my phone across my living room and enter a time machine to go back three hours and pretend none of it ever happened. I'm left feeling discouraged. Or digging a spoon deep in some Cherry Garcia.
But not this one.
I had such a great time.
But then I didn't hear from him. So my persistent personality kicked in and I texted him a few days later. He responded with one word. To which I responded with another question and then he didn't respond at all. Ever again.
I got the hint. I totally and fully understood that he was not that into me.
But what happened?
Date two: I had him laughing and then halfway through lunch, we were making plans to explore The Museum of Natural History next weekend.
If I brought this problem to the brunch table for my girlfriends to dissect, they'd assure me nothing is wrong. With me. That I'm a perfect princess and clearly, he wasn't ready to handle someone so awesome. That maybe he's not over his ex. Or just really busy with work. Or maybe he's an alien and secretly lives on Mars and is not ready for a long distance relationship.
Now that one sounds crazy.
Because it is.
But that's what our friends are for. Aren't they? They are the padding on the walls for us to slam into and then bounce off of and be just fine. I'm thankful for that.
But come on!
After this one, I wanted to know what I did wrong. I thought about maybe emailing him and saying something like, "Listen -- I get the hint. I mean I saw that you logged back on to Tinder three hours after our last date (OK, I'm done with the crazy). Clearly, I blew this and I'd appreciate it if you could tell me what I did wrong. So that in the future I don't do it again, or I'm aware when I'm doing it or I work on censoring it. Throw me a constructive criticism bone here, will you?"
I guess I'm not ready to do that -- yet. So instead, while I was in the shower deep conditioning my hair and contemplating what I did to mess things up, I came up with this dating exit interview that I hope to have the courage to send to the next guy who gets my heart pumping, then leaves me cold.
Jen Glantz's Dating Exit Interview
Name (*required): _________________________
Length of time "dating" Jen Glantz: _________________________
Reason for leaving:
Lack of interest: She talked about three P's I couldn't care less about: poetry, pizza and punctuation.
Better opportunity: I'm not ready to kick my Tinder addiction. I even tried to swipe right at a girl I met, in person, last night at a bar.
Relocation: She says she's from Florida like it's some place special. Would I ever consider moving there? I don't know. Maybe when I'm 65 and my only handicap isn't on the golf course.
Better compensation (salary/benefits): She's a writer. I'm looking for a sugar momma or a stay-at-home momma. Not someone who has a work to-do list that resembles some people's Costco grocery list.
Lack of advancement: She didn't have any "game" and didn't lend me any flirtatious gestures. When I went in for a kiss, she turned her head and for two seconds, my tongue got real intimate with her cochlea.
Lack of training and development: If dating was a course in school and it was pass/fail, Jen would fail.
Working conditions: There might have been a stain on her silk gray blouse. There certainly was lipstick on her teeth for a good 45 minutes.
Job-related stress: Our debate over Obamacare got so heated, the people at the table next to us asked to move to a quieter, less hostile location.
All of the above.
Jen Glantz is sorry for any emotional or personal property damage she caused you. She knows a really good dry cleaner on the Upper East Side who gets stains out really quickly. Say you went on a date with Jen and they'll give you 10% off and a hug.