Never Have an Affair With...

FILE - This July 13, 2011, photo made available on the International Security Assistance Force's Flickr website shows the for
FILE - This July 13, 2011, photo made available on the International Security Assistance Force's Flickr website shows the former Commander of International Security Assistance Force and U.S. Forces-Afghanistan Gen. Davis Petraeus, left, shaking hands with Paula Broadwell, co-author of his biography "All In: The Education of General David Petraeus." The affair between retired Army Gen. David Patraeus and author Paula Broadwell is but an extreme example of the love/hate history between biographers and their subjects. (AP Photo/ISAF, file)

You know those old sayings, "Never play cards with a guy named Doc," "Never play pool with a guy named Fats" and "Never eat at a place called 'Mom's'"?

Well, if I may, I'd like to add a rule or two to those in the arena of infidelity. There is a tried and true one, of course: "Never have an affair with anyone who has less to lose than you do."

That seems so all-inclusive. It should cover hookers who don't play golf when you are the Greatest Golfer who ever lived. It should flash over the head of the Head of State when he sees an intern's thong. It should reverberate in the halls of Congress when congressmen are contemplating another kind of congress and are about to use email, bathroom stalls or Craigslist. But it didn't... it doesn't. 'It don't.'

So now, it's the military's turn to bring a new meaning to the phrase "be under siege." Perhaps a more precise definition of "who you should never have an affair with" requires a special language pertaining to or characteristic of warfare.

If you look at the Military Lingo Slang dictionary, you get the impression that a lot of it is not repeatable in mixed company. Or printable in blogs wishing to not be X-rated. So I will try to adapt. Hooah!

To you guys in the military who want to escape a "1A whisker"... i.e., an extremely close call, listen up:

1. Do not have an affair with a woman who looks like she presses more weight than you can and likes to prove it by wearing sleeveless tops at all times, especially on The Daily Show. This is particularly true if she gets a kind of mad look in her eye when talking about you and the book she has devoted her entire life to, leaving her family to be in harm's way in foreign lands where she jogs with you, stands too close to you and sits across from you in the plane gazing at you with "admiration" while others wonder how the hell she has this access. Because there is only ONE way... and it will come out and lead to a Charlie Foxtrot. (Civilians, look it up.)

2. Do not have an affair with a twin. You might pick the "evil" one. And then you will wind up having 20,000-plus pages of emails between you that lead folks to believe when you call her "sweetheart" you aren't just 'whistling Dixie'... if you get my meaning. Or, as they say in the Military, GOFO. (Grasp of the F****** Obvious.)

3. Finally... if you leave the military and get a new job where you are the Top Secret Keeper, do not have an affair WITH ANYONE. Because you never know if you are too friendly with a twin (see #2, even the "good twin"), leading this Someone/Anyone to get jealous and start a chain reaction that leads people to wonder if she has gotten into your secrets as well as your pants (let's not even discuss the interesting/salacious word play with the title of the book she wrote about you.)

So to make it really clear to military men: Check Six (watch your back... based on a number of bodily orifices... don't ask) or you will find yourself in a Charlie Foxtrot (I told you, look it up) no matter how much Chest Candy you are wearing.

I guess it would be nice too if we all didn't blame it on the other woman and respected our servicewomen who have had their share of problems with sexual harassment, too... but that's another set of rules. Maybe next time.