Day 144: America Still Held Hostage by Donald Trump

It's been 144 days since billionaire Donald Trump announced his Presidential run and has been holding America hostage to his every whim. "I thought it would be over in a few days, a week or two at most, but there seems to be no end in sight," says a distraught Charlotte Kambrille of Noblesville, Indiana. "And despite repeated assurances from everyone in the media and from both political parties that he would be quickly forgotten or get bored and quit, he stays high in the polls and won't go away. He won't go away."

Despite round-the-clock attempts from response unit teams reasoning with Trump to give it up before someone gets hurt, negotiations have gotten nowhere while he continues to be viewed as a viable political candidate. "We've followed the Behavioral Change Stairway Model, we actively listen to what he says, but there's no way to influence him or change his demands," says Wolf Henderliff, the primary negotiator talking directly to Trump. "Normal communication strategies simply do not work. Just when we've figured out how he thinks, he says or tweets something completely contradictory and even stupider than he did before and we're back to square one."

Much more alarming, according to Dr. Gerdt Gerdtharddsson of the Institute for the Study of Cultural Narcissism and Scowls, is the number of hostages who view this situation as completely normal and even welcome it:

It goes far beyond Stockholm Syndrome. I don't care how much mental abuse is involved--no sentient person should identify with Trump. He was a joke that we tolerated for decades for sheer entertainment purposes and now there's a chance he could actually become President? He talks like a third grader. He whines like a pussy when anyone criticizes him. Why is anyone still listening to him? Why are we encouraging him? Why is he allowed to host Saturday Night Live? Why do people buy his books? It's just...it's...it's...

Gerharddsson then ran his index finger up and down his lips, making a "b-b-b-b-b" noise to indicate "crazy." Charlotte Kambrille, speaking for many Americans, added: "It's not fair. I'll do anything. I don't care. I'll even vote for Ben Carson. I just want my life back."