Day One: Welcome To Soviet America

The US Capitol Building is pictured as media gather on January 20, 2017 in Washington, DC. 
Donald Trump will be sworn in as
The US Capitol Building is pictured as media gather on January 20, 2017 in Washington, DC. Donald Trump will be sworn in as the 45th president of the United States Friday -- capping his improbable journey to the White House and beginning a four-year term that promises to shake up Washington and the world. / AFP / Robyn Beck (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

Within hours of his taking office, The Leader and his minions were lying about the size of His crowds, and chastising the press for not being sufficiently deferential to their new ruler. In a fit of pique, the White House said that the press deliberately used unflattering camera angles to minimize the size of the crowds gathered in support of The Leader's inauguration. They claimed it was the biggest inauguration crowd in history (provably false but they repeated it over and over in an effort to bully the press into going along with it).

Several days ago, presaging the bullying tactics of inauguration day, The Leader himself implied that he would hand-pick reporters allowed into the White House briefing room, presumably to winnow out the "dishonest media" and allow in only reporters and "news" outlets friendly to The Leader (i.e., friendly reporters who, like The Leader himself, reside in the alternate universe of Soviet America, or as some have taken to calling it: "Opposite Land.")

When confronted with the lies coming from the White House, Opposite Land spokesperson Kellyanne Conway flaunted her gigantic testicles on national television by insisting that The Leader's press secretary was simply using "alternate facts," and she chided reporter Chuck Todd for being "overly dramatic" when he called them lies. This, after telling a CNN reporter 10 days ago that no one should pay attention to anything The Leader says (i.e., "what comes out of his mouth") -- implying that all statements from The Leader cannot be reported until clarifying statements are dispensed from on high, by The Leader's private translation entourage.

Case in point, at a meeting at CIA headquarters, The Leader himself repeated the lie about His crowd size, while also lying about his relationship with the U.S. intelligence community: as reported by the dishonest media (i.e., the Guardian), The Leader denied having a dispute with the intelligence community, blaming it on the dishonest media. Also according to the dishonest media (i.e., NBC) a former senior CIA official called The Leader's speech a free-wheeling, narcissistic diatribe." A spokesman from Opposite Land called the speech a "love fest."

To enforce The Leader's version of reality, across the entire government, the U.S. Congressional Politburo may now single out any individual federal worker for punishment. According to the dishonest media (i.e., The Washington Post), the Congressional Politburo "revived an arcane procedural rule that enables lawmakers to reach deep into the budget and slash the pay of an individual federal worker -- down to $1 -- a move that threatens to upend the 130-year-old civil service."

Imagine yourself, say, a lowly hydrologist working on water quality issues. And say you discover something dangerous about fracking, which threatens the business interests of one of the billionaire oligarchs now ruling the land. Moreover, let's say you have the audacity to put it in a memo. The full weight of the U.S. government may now come down on your head -- because the Congressional Politburo is micro-managing the federal workforce to root out and squelch any dissenting facts, let alone dissenting opinions. (e.g., Within hours of taking office, The Leader's minions disappeared White House web pages on climate change, civil rights and LGBT issues.)

This comes on the heels of an effort by The Leader's staff to identify federal workers who hold opinions contrary to The Leader himself, or those of the Politburo.

Also recently, the U.S. Congressional Politburo failed in its attempt (in the dead of night) to gut the ethics office that oversaw the U.S. Congress prior to the Politburo takeover -- as reported at the time by the dishonest media (i.e., CNN). But those anti-ethics efforts may only be paused, as GOP Politburo members like Steven King are adamant that the ethics office should be abolished.

In more related inaugural news, The Leader has installed his son-in-law Jared Kushner as a key White House staffer, just as Mr. Kushner is negotiating a deal with Chinese financiers to refurbish a New York City skyscraper owned by the Kushner family.

Immediately upon His inauguration, The Leader was also in violation of His lease on a Washington D.C. hotel, leased from the General Services Administration (GSA). And yet, the GSA has taken no action against The Leader. A non-governmental group has a filed an ethics complaint against The Leader, but the GSA refuses to comment on the matter, presumably because they are trying to work out a solution with The Leader's family, who are also advisors to His government.

So here's what we know so far in Soviet America:

  • It is government policy that The Leader tells the truth and the press do not.

  • The press must report what The Leader says, without questioning it.
  • Only spokespeople from Opposite Land may interpret what The Leader means when he speaks.
  • The Leader gets to decide which friendly "news" outlets may be represented at the White House.
  • The purpose of the U.S. military is to glorify The Leader in public appearances.
  • The Leader and His family may direct government policy while also pursuing personal financial interests.
  • Government agencies under the control of The Leader may not challenge The Leader or pursue any legal action against The Leader's interests.
  • The Politburo may seek to purge individuals at any level of government, for actions deemed contrary to The Leader or Politburo policies.
  • Buckle your seatbelts. We still have 3 years and 364 days to go.