A Brief History Of The DeAndre Jordan-Mark Cuban Romance

We now have somewhat of an idea of what it's like to break up with Mark Cuban, and it's scary.

DeAndre Jordan and Mark Cuban broke up late Wednesday after a brief but torrid love affair. Usually, when two people break up, they can do so in the privacy of their home, shouting the things they know they’ll soon regret into the ethers for the past to stash away.

Unfortunately for Cuban, his breakup with DeAndre aired out in second-by-second updates, jokes and memes on Twitter. Such is life for the rich and famous in 2015.

To commemorate the historic, hilarious day, we decided to arrange a bunch of tweets about the situation not in the most chronological of manners, so to speak, but in a manner that really drives home the rom-com drama of the whole event. Should you hope to license this plot for a future rom-com, please email me directly.

At first, there was excitement. The relationship was new, and the promises were big. "WE WILL SPEND OUR LIVES TOGETHER," one of them probably screamed.

But then, Cuban made a classic relationship mistake. He admitted desperation (never sexy) and he became obviously codependent. Two huge no-nos, FYI.

As a result, DeAndre started feeling stifled. He started feeling trapped.

He saw a photo of his ex on Instagram and, well, she was looking good. "Did she do something new with her hair?" he wondered. He continued to look. He continued to scroll. And then, in a moment of weakness, he did what what felt so wrong, but also so right: He picked up the phone and called.

He told her he missed her, that she did things for him that Mark just can't do.

And then, he did something even worse. He invited her over. And she came running. Boy, did she come running.

This was all DeAndre had ever wanted from her. For years, he felt underappreciated, no matter how many times he did the laundry and made that chicken dish she liked. But now, she realized she had made a mistake, and she promised to give him the love he so deserved. He smiled. She smiled. They knew.

Cuban found out. Friend of a friend told him, probably. At first, he couldn't believe it was true. Not his baby. Not DeAndre. But then, when he couldn't deny it any longer, you better believe he was pissed. "WE WERE GOING TO SPEND OUR LIVES TOGETHER," he probably screamed.

He called, and he called, but all poor Mark Cuban got was silence. Radio silence. Something had changed in DeAndre. And that something was his heart. He'd had a change of heart, if you get what we're saying. You get it? Anyway.

Mark was standing outside in the rain. "What are these?" he thought to himself. "Is it raining? Are these tears?" Yes they were, Mark. Yes they were.

He kept trying, and he kept trying. But it was all for nothing. For the evil ex had already won. The evil ex always wins.

Or was Cuban the evil one? As in most romantic relationships, it was hard to tell, honestly.

Either way, just like that, it was over. DeAndre and She Who Has No Name were Twitter official. Probably Facebook, too.

There are five stages of grief. The first four are denial, anger, bargaining and depression. We can't be sure Cuban went through all four of those on Wednesday, but we sure as hell know he went through the fifth: acceptance.

That didn't mean he wasn't hurt. He was. But that's OK, Mark. That's part of it. "He never responded to me at all yesterday. Not once," Cuban actually told the Mavericks fan base (I'm not kidding he actually wrote this, you can read it below.) "To this minute I have not heard anything from him since Tuesday night."

It was over. DeAndre was gone. Mark, left on the bathroom floor to cry. "He's never coming back, is he?" he probably asked Dirk Nowitzki, tears in his eyes.

"No, I don't think so," Dirk probably replied. "You know what? Let's go get a drink."

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