I wanted more than anything for this to be a happy post – unfortunately this is the hardest thing I’ve written in a long time – maybe ever. A couple of weeks ago I suffered a miscarriage and my first pregnancy ended in tears.
I’ve been sharing my journey of starting a family with PCOS on my blog and wanted to continue to do so in the hopes of making this topic less taboo and to let others know they are not alone. 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage* yet it is rarely talked about (*source).
I am also hoping to find some personal healing by putting my thoughts into words in the form of a letter. I will likely elaborate more on this on my blog My Urban Family, but for now, here is a letter I wrote to our lost baby.
Dear Baby M –
I miss you so much already. I never realized how true it is that you become a mother early in pregnancy until the morning you were gone. Your dad and I have so much love for you and you’ve changed us forever. While I hope the sadness gets easier with time, know that you will always be in our hearts and minds.
The day you showed up in our lives as a positive pregnancy test will be one I will never forget. It had been a long year of trying, medical tests, and a string of bad news from doctors so we had basically given up. After boxes of negative tests, I ignored the first pregnancy symptoms for almost a week, scared of the disappointment of seeing a negative result again. But there you were, almost instantly. I nearly fell over.
I took a second test just to be sure and there was no doubt about it. Your dad was working in his office at home but I couldn’t wait a second to tell him. “They’re both positive” I said, holding them up. The look of disbelief, and joy flashed across his face in rapid succession. I had always planned on telling him in a planned out special way, but I couldn’t hold it in a second. We both spent the rest of that day trying to get some work done, but with huge, goofy grins.
The following days and weeks were spent telling your grandparents, uncle, and aunt. We also couldn’t help ourselves, and started planning everything – your nursery, our announcements, what items we would need. We even started to refer to you by name.
Baby M.
Your dad and I started to pick out baby names 10 years ago. While some aspects have changed slightly over the years (like all of our last names), we’ve know for awhile now what names we want and they both happen to start with an M, boy or girl.
Those first few weeks were perfect. We’ve never been happier. The morning sickness, eating everything in sight, and my other symptoms were more than worth it.
I went for an initial doctor’s appointment and everything seemed great. Your dad and I could hardly wait for our first ultrasound appointment. We were so excited to see you. And we did. You were about a week smaller than we thought, but there you were, heartbeat and all. Except we were told the heartbeat seemed slow.
So we went home with our sonogram of you and started the week of waiting. We were told to prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I tried my hardest to stay positive, eat healthy and do everything to protect you following that appointment. We had another ultrasound scheduled for a week later but I woke up one morning and just knew.
There was no mistaking the emptiness when you were gone. There was no pain or physical signs, but I knew. I hoped the rest of the week that I was wrong, but when we went to our appointment the technician confirmed what I already feared.
The numbness and grief that followed was so intense – and in a lot of ways, still is. We don’t know why you were lost and it breaks our hearts that we no longer will get to spend our lives with you.
But I do want to thank you. Thank you for giving us those incredible weeks. Thank you for giving us hope for the future. And thank you for showing me what motherly love is first hand.
Love forever and always,Mom
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Alexandra is a Chicago area blogger at www.myurbanfamily.com. Her writing includes life advice, random musings, trying to conceive with PCOS, and details about her family’s journey into urban life in Chicago. Make sure to follow along HERE for helpful and witty post updates.
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