Having planned hundreds of destination weddings over the past 10 years, I've learned how to manage my relationships with clients. I have to use self-control not to get TOO CLOSE to the brides that I like, because on their wedding weekend, I can't hold their hand and talk them off the ledge while I’m working.
A wedding planner's job is to coordinate the vendors and make sure that every little detail of the wedding goes off without a hitch. That keeps us busy. There's plenty of time to be friends after we've executed their flawless wedding.
Last week, I got an email from a bride (not my client) who thinks her wedding planner hates her. It really got my attention – so much so, that I'm responding via blog to help educate her, and other brides, who don't understand what their professional relationship with their wedding planner should be, in the hopes we can avoid some hurt feelings.
Dear Sandy,
I'm hoping you can give me some advice to help me improve my relationship with my wedding planner, because I paid her a lot of money and I don't think she likes me. I've sent her like 50 pictures of wedding gowns and bridesmaids dresses I'm considering, and she's barely offered any feedback. She always says something like "that's nice" or "pretty color." Wow, I take all that time to text her all those pictures, and that's all she has to say? What am I paying her for anyway?
I'm really worried that she hates me and I don't know why. I worry she's going to take it out on me at my wedding. I'm really trying to fix things, and nothing seems to be working.
She hasn't accepted my Facebook friend request. I followed her on Instagram but she didn't follow me back.
I even invited her to my bachelorette party, thinking the wedding would go better if all my bridesmaids got to know her in advance, but she RSVP'd no. She also declined an invitation to a bridal shower for me, which I think is very, very rude, because she lives right here in my town and could easily come.
How do I get her to like me before my wedding day? I don't want to have to keep worrying about this. I hired her to plan my wedding and make everything less stressful, but now I'm all stressed out because of the way she's acting. Should I fire her? Should I tell her she's upsetting me? Should I let my fiancé call and yell at her? He really wants to. Or should I keep my mouth shut and just feel bitter about it and hope my wedding turns out okay?
I'm frustrated and I don't know what to do.
Sincerely,
Frustrated Bride in Florida
Oh. My. God. #Speechless
Dear Frustrated Bride,
Your wedding planner doesn't hate you. That's not what's going on here, so take a deep breath and relax.
The problem here is that you don't understand the role of your wedding planner.
A wedding planner is in charge of planning and executing your wedding. She makes sure that everybody is where they're supposed to be, when they're supposed to be there, and ensures big day runs smoothly.
Keeping that in mind, let's address your specific concerns:
- She doesn't get excited about all the ideas and pictures you're texting her.
Don't abuse the privilege of texting unless it's an emergency, or you're going to miss a meeting or a conference call. Send wedding correspondence via email, including all those pics you want opinions of. You're more likely to get a thoughtful response if you're not constantly interrupting her with text messages. Plus, she can access your file and save the pictures when you send everything in email. Wedding info sent by text tends to get lost.
- She didn't accept your friend request, or the invitations to your bridal shower and bachelorette party.
A wedding planner is a professional consultant that you have hired to plan your big day, she's not your friend. A true professional won't blur the line before she's completed her work for you.
Lots of professionals do not make social media connections with their clients and colleagues as a matter of policy.
Try friending your wedding planner after your wedding is finished, and you've given her a five-star rating on Wedding Wire. She'll be a lot more open to inviting you into her personal life at that point.
Unless you had a pre-existing friendship with your wedding planner, it's not appropriate to invite her to your bachelorette party and bridal shower. Her time is worth money, and the price she quoted you for planning your wedding didn't include sitting around with your relatives and friends watching you unwrap cookware, or buying you a bridal shower gift.
- Should you tell her that she's upsetting you, or sick your fiancé on her?
Think about what you're complaining about in the context of what I've just explained to you. Do you still think your wedding planner hates you? Or is it more likely that you were just crossing the line between business and friendship? Are you disappointed in the services you're receiving from her, or just upset that she's not treating you like a girlfriend? If the answer is that she's disappointed you professionally, then you should absolutely talk to her about it, so that she has an opportunity to make you happy.
Don't involve your fiancé if he hasn't previously been part of the wedding planning. At least, not the first time you address the problem. Try to avoid embarrassing the wedding planner, or yourself, if you want to have a positive working relationship going forward. If this is all a misunderstanding, you don't want to escalate the problem unnecessarily.
Your wedding planner doesn't hate you, and she would be mortified if she knew you were upset with her lack of warm fuzzies. But it doesn't sound like she's actually done anything wrong – your expectations were out-of-whack from the beginning.
Adjust your expectations so they're more in line with a business relationship. Even if you did fire her and hire another wedding planner, the root problem wouldn't be solved, unless you hired a friend to plan your wedding.
Most importantly, don't stress out any more about whether your wedding planner "likes" you. I'm sure you have better things to worry about. What's most important is the she respects you as her client and works her absolute hardest to make sure your wedding and reception turn out exactly as you had envisioned.
Good luck! And happy wedding planning from Sandy Malone Weddings & Events!