Long-time fan, first-time caller here. I’m reaching out for a favor: could you save your scary for another year? I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re all stocked up on scary. Your normal parade of yellow-eyed zombies and blood-thirsty vampires isn’t what we need right now. We’ve got wildfires, hurricanes, mass shootings, and world leaders playing chicken with nuclear weapons. And that’s just within the last month. Scary is what we eat for breakfast these days. Two nights ago, a bug tripped the smoke alarm in my bedroom and my first waking thought in that disorienting, ear-piercing moment was, “Okay, I guess the nuclear holocaust is here.”
So as you can see, Halloween, your little chainsaws and hockey masks aren’t going to cut it in 2017. (In fact, they are a little insulting. The majority of us have been living in holy terror since Nov. 8, 2016.)
But I don’t want you to stay home, Halloween. No, we need you now more than ever! We need your portal into the World of What Could Be, but instead of gore and monstrosities, how about something like...
Puppies! Are you a dog owner, Halloween? If so, you understand the way dogs look at us with unending confidence and hope. A puppy sees the best in us, and inspires us to rise to their expectation. Please, Halloween, send in the dogs.
Mary Poppins! Instead of blowing in witches on broomsticks, how about a gust of Mary Poppins on umbrellas? We could use that positivity, that problem-solving, that diplomacy, and, frankly, a few musical numbers, too.
Wonder People! Halloween, it’s been a particularly rough year for us girls. How about an army of Wonder Women, Wonder Men, Wonder Girls and Wonder Boys, who use truth as a tool. Truth! (And no need to supply any super villains, Halloween. We’ve got a surplus.)
Ruth Baby Ginsburg! Halloween, some of your most frightening offerings are the bizarre, sexy versions of everyday innocence. We’ve all rolled our collective eyes in the past, but we just can’t right now. Whatever you choose to do behind closed doors with April Fool’s Day is your business, but why don’t you do us a solid this year, and replace every sexy corn on the cob, sexy Nemo and sexy minion with a lace-collared Ruth Baby Ginsburg? It would mean a lot.
Ice Cream Sundaes! Finally, Halloween, we could really use some ice cream. So much ice cream. All the ice cream.
Thanks for hearing me out. I realize it’s asking a lot, but I believe in you, Halloween. And I look forward to a future October when we can return to trick-or-treaters sporting bloody cleavers and flesh wounds. I really do. But until then, I hope you’ll consider my plea and realize that 2017 has been scary enough.