Dear husband….. I miss you

Over the past few years our lives have changed dramatically, going from being a young couple completely madly in love and lust with each other to becoming parents of two small children in almost as many years. Our lives are different now, we have replaced vodka drinks for coffee drinks and nights out on the town for movie nights at home with the kids. I used to dress up for you and now I play dress up with little ones, pretending to be the princess that you once made me feel like I was.

I miss you….

Gone are the nights where we would stay up until dawn talking and laughing about love, life and everything in between, replaced with tired hugs and half assed kisses and questions about who is taking night shift with the baby.

I miss you….

The touch of your hands on my body feels foreign where it once felt familiar. I actually caught myself startled by the feel of your embrace just the other day. Has it really been that long since we got wrapped up in each other? These days it feels that we are so wrapped up in kids and work and life and stress that we have forgotten how we got here in the first place.

Our love was instant, from the moment we met we both knew that we would be forever changed and life would only be referred to as “before” and “after” us. What happened to that all consuming feeling of excitement about seeing you at the end of the day, sneaking kisses at every opportunity, our bodies always connected through some form of touch.

I miss you….

Having children has changed us in so many ways, we have become more responsible in the sense that life is no longer about serving ourselves but taking care of the needs of these dependent little beings. I love that we have created something so insanely beautiful in our children but I can’t help feeling that there has been a hidden cost to that creation. The cost, our carefree love for each other and for life. When did we become so serious? I can’t remember the last time I belly laughed with you or at you however I can remember precisely the last time I was angry with you (which seems to happen more often now).

I miss the way your eyes crinkle when you smile as I walk into the room, knowing that you don’t see anyone else in the sea of people surrounding you but me. Most days it feels like you barely notice me anymore, after work and kids there isn’t a lot left of you for me. Don’t get me wrong here, I am beyond grateful that you are so involved with your children and that you give them so much of your time and energy, I guess I am envious of the position in which I used to hold in your heart. I never knew you could be jealous of your children, but I think that is how I feel when I see you love on them like you used to love on me, your full attention on them and their needs, forgetting that I need you too.

I miss passion. We used to be so full of passion and lust for each other that we would joke about getting kicked out of the grocery store for kissing in the aisles. Shopping together and dancing down the aisles is a distant memory, now I shop solo as a reward for making it through the day until you get home. Every aspect of our lives forever changed by these beautiful little beings that I truly cannot imagine life without, but I still miss you.

The grey in your beard is a little more prominent now and you jokingly refer to the colour change as my doing, I can’t help but feel somewhat responsible even though you say it in jest. I have become so serious, feeling like I have lost my ability to play in favour of being able to maintain a busy household. I would like more play time with you once again, we have so much fun when we are being silly and carefree.

You teach our children so many great lessons, how to be kind, generous, loving, gentle, responsible, how to be a good provider and especially how to treat your partner with respect. I LOVE watching you be a shining example of all of those traits and am so grateful to know that our children will continue to build on those characteristics as they grow and love throughout their lives. I would ask though that we teach them more still, please let us teach them how to not lose themselves to the hustle an bustle of lives and family. Let us teach them how to embrace the lightness of life and not only the seriousness, let us show them how to love through playfulness. Those tender moments of pure joy and laughter are the most incredible to experience because life can get heavy and in those moments when you are raw and relaxed I am reminded of the man I met and fell instantly and insanely in love with.

I miss the old us, however much I love our new normal of diapers (not so much actually) and babies and milk stains on clothing, baby giggles and the wide eyed excitement of a toddler learning new skills, I miss us.

Mostly because I love you so damn much do I miss us, the touch that used to be only for me is now shared. The affection that used to shower me is now spread thin between them and me. How is it possible to love something that also makes you sad? I love beyond words how you are with your children but I can’t help feel a little sad that it’s them not me that has your heart now.

I miss you…

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