Dear John McCain,
I just read that you're planning on having talks with a few people, including Mitt Romney, about making them your running mate in November. Now I'm sure all the others are perfectly delightful fellows. But John, believe me when I tell you I know better than anybody how critical it is to the future of our nation, and indeed, the world, that you win this thing. After all, if the world of 2013 doesn't include the "Middle East stabilized, nuclear terror threat reduced, border security strengthened, energy independence advanced, wasteful spending reformed, health care choice delivered, economic confidence restored," and a winged unicorn in every garage, then it's not a world I want to live in. What I'm saying is, we can't screw around with this; you have to pick Mitt.
Think about it. What are the most important qualities for a vice presidential nominee to bring to a ticket? In no particular order, they are (1) the ability to deliver electoral votes, ideally from a vote-rich swing state; (2) the ability to amplify your core message; and (3) the ability to protect you from your liabilities. On all three, Mitt's your man by a wide margin.
First, there are the electoral votes. Remember the Michigan primary, where you ran on the foolproof platform on telling Michiganders they'd lose their jobs but would always have a new war to join to keep from becoming idle? Mitt threw the traditional playbook out the window and promised the residents of a depressed industrial hinterland whose economy is built on a troika of slowly dying clumsy corporate behemoths, that all they had to do was vote for him and their jobs would be back first thing after the election. And that's just bonkers strategy. The reason he pulled it off, as Chris Matthews and Pat Buchanan incisively noted, is that his father ran the state from 1963-1969; in other words it doesn't matter what sort of campaign he runs, because in Michigan, anybody named Romney is a ironclad lock to win. Which makes perfect sense on reflection: What could possibly move voters more than the fact that a candidate's running mate's dad was governor of their state 40 years ago? The Democrats won't know what hit them.
Second, the Democratic primaries have gift-wrapped you a blueprint for victory that can't fail in the states that matter like West Virginia. I mean, take a look at Barack Obama. He's from a bunch of islands, has a funny name, went to a bunch of cushy schools, can't bowl, and likes arugula. I know what that ain't: in touch with the values of mainstream working-class America. Just make sure voters get the message and you're halfway to the finish line. And sure, Mitt may have gotten his graduate degree from the same Cambridge, Mass. bastion of know-it-all-ism as Obama, but when it comes down to it, elitism isn't about going to fancy schools or having hundreds of millions of dollars. Being a man of the people means fundamentally getting the culture of the common man. That's the x-factor that made Michael Dukakis (Swarthmore, Harvard) an elitist but made George H.W. Bush (Andover, Yale, Skull and Bones, son of a New England senator) a regular Joe until Bill Clinton (Georgetown, Oxford, Yale) turned out to be even more regular; it's what made Al Gore (St. Albans, Harvard) and John Kerry (St. Paul's, Yale, Skull and Bones) insufferable eggheads but allowed George W. Bush (Andover, Yale, S&B, Harvard) to convince so many people to this day that that preposterous Texas accent of his is real.
Who knows how some people relate better to plain folks than others? And who cares? The point is, John, that there is nobody at all in the Republican or Democratic party has a common touch like Mitt's. Plus, as you may have heard, Mitt single-handedly saved the Olympics. I know, I know, you thought those years in the Hanoi Hilton seemed like a challenge, but Mitt *saved the Olympics*!!!!!!!. And not just any Olympics -- the Winter Olympics. Last I checked, the third thing small-town people cling to after guns and religion is the Nordic Combined. You've been all over the country by now; when was the last time you went into a bar in a rural town and didn't hear the classic argument about whether Toni Nieminen or Matti Nykanen was the greatest large hill ski jumper of all time? So just imagine how powerfully Mitt-as-running-mate could drive home the message about Obama's elitism. As if that weren't enough, he is smooth as silk and cool as a cucumber. The pressures of campaigning are enough to make even the slickest customer miss a cue once in a blue moon, but not our Mitt. The antonym of "awkward" is "Mitt Romney." And let's not forget the clincher, the coup-de-grace, the gilded lily, namely that resplendent head of hair. Women are already rightfully turned off by Barack Obama's disgracefully misogynistic campaign -- all Mitt has to do is flash that pelt and you can start popping the champagne bottles.
Last but by no means least, you have to think about how a potential running mate can protect you from your vulnerabilities. You have so few and they're mostly inconsequential, but there's still no sense in taking unnecessary risks. Now you know the Democrats are going to engage in despicable ageism -- in fact, Barack Obama already has -- but let Mitt show off just a few locks of that wondrous mane of his (see above) and you'll have people confusing the Republican ticket with the fountain of youth. Moreover, you can easily win this thing with the incredible crossover appeal only mavericks have, just as long as the Republican base stays solid with you. So when you take a moderate position on immigration and agree to speak with Hispanic groups -- and I still don't see why you pull those kinds of stunts; it's not as if our fellow Republicans' determination to alienate the fastest growing demographic group in the country risks reducing us to a rump regional party for southern Anglos for generations -- somebody needs to be out there talking to the good folks who are rationally concerned about a plot to give back the southwest to Mexico.
And there is nobody, but nobody better to be your ambassador to the core rank-and-file conservative base of the GOP than Mitt Romney. His pull is extraordinary. Hugh Hewitt just adores Romney, and just a quick glance at his "Romney rising" archives shows they compare favorably to Mark Penn's strategic memos. Kathryn Jean Lopez, the National Review editor who is simultaneously founder, president, secretary, treasurer, and (especially) photo-collector of the Mitt Romney fan club, is already on board the Romney for Veep train -- purely because she wants to strengthen the Republican ticket, mind you, not out of a bizarre devotion to some Supermitt who exists in her imagination. And that's just scratching the surface. National Review itself gave Romney an endorsement so enthusiastic you can hardly tell the editors waited until the last possible minute to endorse because they were just too depressed and disillusioned with their range of candidates. The rest of the talk radio right eventually followed Hewitt in coming around to Mitt -- and sure, it was just a few days before Super Tuesday, but that doesn't mean they only bit their tongues and backed Romney well after it became clear he was their only longshot at stopping you. On top of all that, Romney not only electrified the crowd at CPAC in his withdrawal speech, but helped bring some of the base home to you by noting that like him, you are for "eliminating al Qaeda and terror worldwide" (unlike those Democrats). And with Romney as your #2, you need never worry about embarrassing or inconvenient videos popping up of your running mate self-righteously and unequivocally denouncing all the pet causes of religious and social conservatives, videos that your opponents would never have fun exploiting.
John, the way forward couldn't be clearer. For your vice president, pick Mitt Romney -- the single most impressive, magnetically charismatic, and hirsute candidate ever to blow tens of millions of dollars of personal wealth on a comically awful presidential campaign -- and it's on to victory.
Your Friend,
Dan