(Marty Fleck is a self-help guru, the author of the international bestseller Where Can I Stow My Baggage? and the syndicated column "Baggage Handling." He is also the pseudonymous protagonist of Bill Scheft's new novel Everything Hurts. He has generously agreed to answer questions from readers of the Huffington Post.)
Dear Marty Fleck,
Do you think that men are incontrovertibly intimidated by smart, successful women who are also smoking hot?
Seriously Ready to Switch, LaHoya, CA.
Dear Ready to Switch,
Before I answer, let me ask you a question: Am I incontrovertibly intimidated by a smart woman who cannot spell "La Jolla?" Not at all. And you know why? Because I know you're not from La Jolla. I know you've never been to La Jolla. Have you, Miss Aniston?
Look, Jennifer. I admire your courage. I admire your candor. I admire the fact that when the squiggly red line went under "LaHoya," you ignored it. Really, LaHoya? That's the best fake hometown you could come up with? It's not even a place. It's two-thirds of a boxer's name. (By the way, did you ever see those photos of Oscar Delahoya in his girlfriend's fishnets? Talk about Seriously Ready To Switch....)
But that's not why you wrote. Which brings me to my next question, Jennifer Aniston. Why did you write? I am hardly a relationship expert. Had a horrible career dating. In college, my nickname was Dr. No. If I hadn't met my wife Stacey at a Webbed Foot Singles weekend, I'd probably still be out there. What I am is a self-help guru and the author of the international best seller Where Can I Stow My Baggage?. Somewhere in your baggage is a bad picker. It's right next to the grandiosity. The self-help guru says help thyself. How about a Jew? You tried someone better looking (Brad), a playa (John Mayer) and a circus freak (Vince Vaughn). You've tried the best, why not try a pest?
So yes, you're right, men are intimidated by smart, successful, gorgeous women. Congratulations. Take a bow, genius. You figured it out. Not exactly the DaVinci Code. But, and this is key, Jewish men, we want to be intimidated. We seek it. We like it. We want to be hurt. Come on. Hurt me. Hurt me....stay away from the face, though.
Wait a minute. I think I hear Stacey coming up the stairs. Act like we're talking about something else. Hey, did you catch that fight with Oscar Delahoya?