(Marty Fleck is a self-help guru, the author of the international bestseller Where Can I Stow My Baggage? and the syndicated column "Baggage Handling." He is also the pseudonymous protagonist of Bill Scheft's new novel Everything Hurts. He has generously agreed to answer questions from readers of the Huffington Post when he feels like it.)
Dear Marty Fleck,
My wife and I are in the middle of what I'm sure is a common impasse. She wants me to take a more active role in raising our children, yet she refused to let me interview potential nannies. What is more active than the interview process? know you are an expert in emasculation. Am I overreacting?
Name Withheld, Pittsburgh
Dear Jon Gosselin,
Yeah, you heard me. Why act like I don't know who you are? And from what I hear, your name is the only thing you've been withholding these days. Interviewing nannies? Exactly what part of the interview process is checking into a Days Inn as "Dick Stray, Vice-Chairman, Octoman Empire?" I know your house is a wee crowded now, but you could make some room if you just taught the two oldest kids how to operate a camera. Union health and pension, hello???Am I the only one thinking?
And no, I don't think it's exploitative to have children on the air 24/7. Look at "American Chopper." Is that a functional family or what? And can those boys bend pipe. But from what I hear from the housekeeping staff at the Day's Inn, so can you. By the way, did you know the biggest reality show in North Korea is Kim Jong-Il building Hyundai knockoffs with his two songs, Kim Jong-Uday and Kim Jong-Qusay? I feel bad for Kim Jong-Il retiring. Had to hand up the Roy Orbison wig and the platform shoes before he could achieving his ultimate goal: Waterboarding Alan Alda.
Here's my point. Your wife did not have these kids on spec. You bought 'em. Sure, you only ordered the three-egg omelet, but that doesn't mean you run out on the check and change your ringtone to "Rico Suave."
Enough. If I make another obscure pop culture reference, I have to pay a royalty to Dennis Miller. Actually, it's now half to Dennis, half to the RNC.
Reverend Henry Ward Beecher said, "Children are the hands by which we take hold of heaven." Wait a minute. A clergyman talking about children? Scratch that, and let's end with Rico Suave.