Dear Mexico

Flag of Mexico
Flag of Mexico

Dear Mexico,

Please forgive me for not writing sooner. What with summer coming, some overtime at work and preparations for the coming dictatorship, I'm afraid I've fallen behind in my correspondence with even my closest friends and trading partners.

First of all, let me say, I've been following you on Facebook and you look fantastic. Have you lost weight? The kids look great, too... all 32 million of them. I cannot believe how much Josito has grown!

This is a bit awkward for me, because as you know we'll be seeing less of one another in the near future. This has partly to do with how busy I'll be adjusting when our outmoded "separation of powers," and "civil liberties" are replaced by a terrific new system based entirely on winning. We are going to win at trade. We are going to win at jobs. We are going to absolutely kick ass at whiteness.

Nobody will beat us in whiteness. Finland, that means you, too. Believe me. But there will be so much to do. It's frankly not easy to make yourself great again. Ever try to lose that 10 pounds that's settled around your hips? Yeah, well try it without encouragement from your friends or rule of law.

The second reason we're going to be less in touch, I'm afraid, is the little home-improvement project I'm working on. As you know, historically the best way for a society to thrive is to physically separate itself from outsiders. This worked wonderfully for East Germany, Easter Island, China, and so on, so I have no doubt that I'm going to personally thrive now that I can just be left alone. "Good fences make good neighbors!" so they say, and I guess I'll be the best fucking neighbor ever. Naturally, feel free come over to my place.

Just be sure to knock first.

My goodness, I hope nobody takes this as some sort of insult. Nothing could be further from the truth. You are certainly welcome to keep spending $240 billion a year for my stuff, it's just that I want to cut back on what you send me in return: amphetamines, extremely biased federal judges and, evidently, El Chapo -- even though Sean Penn informs me that he is a humble farmer who murders only for the sake of the business. Which I do understand. One thing I totally understand is business.

Now, I do realize we've had our disagreements about your nationals unlawfully crossing the border at the risk of their lives to do jobs most Americans don't want, infecting our society with "hard work" and "self-sacrifice" and "family values" -- not to mention the Chalupa Supreme. There may have been some loose talk about "criminals" and "rapists" and, I assume, some good people, too.

Let me clarify. It's not that all Mexicans are criminals. It's just that I don't want you flooding our market with low-price imports. We have our own a very rarified class of rapists and murderers. Very classy people. Stanford swimming stars, DuPonts. And, gunwise, I believe we have at least kept up with you bloodbath for bloodbath - by very upstanding white people, exercising their Second Amendment rights, I might add.

What I'm saying to you is, it's not your fault. As the old real-estate adage goes: "The three most important things are location, location, location." And you made the mistake of choosing a place with only one Red Lobster. If you are interested in self-improvement, may I recommend an unaccredited but very famous-name university that specializes in getting rich through real-estate?

Let me know. I'll get back to you as soon as the fraud trials are over.

Your amigo,

The United States

p.s. When you get a minute, please go to Western Union and wire me $25 billion. Those walls don't build themselves.