Dear Mr. Claus, We Have Some Concerns About Your Upcoming Visit

As a politically correct, progressive family, we normally eschew such materialistic pursuits like the crazed consumerism of Christmas. However, we see your impending visit as a chance to celebrate the tradition of goodwill and generosity, especially if you're bringing new iPhones. We just want to make sure you're doing things properly, in a non-offensive social context.

Please make sure all wrapping paper is gender neutral. Little Kai and Django are being raised free from all imposed rules of expected male or female behavior, and we've even undergone hypnotherapy so we don't remember what sex they were when they were born, to protect their ability to choose their own identity.

If you bring either one of them a doll, please insure that said doll has a realistic body shape and appropriate ethnic background to encourage a positive body image. Avoid pink convertibles and blonde dolls with breasts large enough to rescue sailors at sea.

We insist you bring no toy soldiers or guns of any kind. If you wish us to honor our troops, place two patriotic-hued ribbon car magnets in a stocking.

We are a Paleo vegan home, so please make sure any candy canes or assorted treats are gluten-free and also not made in a shop that also processes nuts. All chocolate must be fair trade, and used in artisanally made candy. If you don't have a local shop at the North Pole, we've included the number of our favorite candymaker who works in the back of a dry cleaner's in Brooklyn.

As for your own snack, we have seen you depicted in art and we don't judge, but your body size indicates you will benefit from the handcrafted almond milk and kale cookies we have left out for you.

If you decide someone needs coal in their stocking, please understand that is an energy source damaging to the environment. Please leave a small solar panel instead, preferably one that can charge an iPhone.

Speaking of your appearance: we do not allow fur in this household. Your costume must be trimmed with faux fur if you wish to enter. Also, is that red outfit part of your indigenous heritage, or are you culturally appropriating the elves' native dress?

Ah, the elves. Anyone who builds toys and other items for us must be paid a fair wage and receive complete benefits including maternity/paternity leave and time off to attend any local craft fairs or roots music festivals so they can be full participants in their community. Their life partners must be recognized by the company so their entire family is eligible for said benefits. Unless, of course, the elves are working on our new iPhones and in that case, never mind.

While we recognize that your trademark greeting is "Ho ho ho!" we find that phrase to be offensive and an example of the worst kind of slut-shaming. Please refrain from saying that while under our roof.

The reindeer you use to pull your sleigh are beautiful animals. We certainly hope they are rescue reindeer and not reindeer you have procured by commercial means. Also, we feel that the leather harnesses are a bit restrictive, and prefer if you simply ask them to help you with the sleigh in a free range manner, flying alongside and helping to support it as they see fit.

We hope you respect and observe our requests so this holiday may indeed be merry and socially responsible for all. You must attend to each condition before being allowed in our loving and open home. Unless, of course, you are a refugee fleeing the North Pole. In that case, come on in. Just remember to bring the iPhones with you.