If there is anything I have learned over the past year it is the fact that you never know what battle someone is facing but hiding. The smile they have on their face could very well be hiding the pain that they are feeling. Or for me, it was always a genuine smile at the time, but it didn't mean that I was always as happy as I played it off to be. After a long road of working on myself, I can officially say I am leaving behind that old me and sticking to the new, healthy, genuinely happy and positive me.
I wrote this letter to finally move on from the old me and accept the amazing new accomplishments that I have made.
Dear Old Me,
There are for sure some things I liked about you but there are definitely more that I hate about you that I do not miss. We had a long time together, but I'm glad we separated. I am a much better person now and I refuse to ever go back to the old me.
Sometimes I feel sick and sad to think about the way that I used to be. The fact that I would be okay with sitting in my room for hours. I would waste my days laying in my bed because I thought that the days I had off from work or class would be best spent doing that. Sure, that's fine to do sometimes but I now know there is so much more out there.
I hate you, old me for convincing me that I was not enough. For telling me that I sucked at school, that my friends hated me, and that I wasn't nearly pretty or skinny enough. I hate you for the times I stood looking in the mirror actually crying because I hated the way I looked, but could not convince myself to gain enough confidence to go to the gym.
Let's not forget about the weeks and even MONTHS I would go without doing any type of exercise. I would try to build up the confidence to put on my sneakers, a cute work out outfit and go for a nice run or to the gym but I just couldn't. I couldn't shake the thoughts of those girls staring at me for how out of shape I was or the guys laughing at me because I didn't know how to use the equipment right because God forbid I ask for some help.
That's the thing I hate about you the most, Old Me the fact I could never ask for help for anything. Something as simple as raising my hand in class to ask the teacher a question and possibly looking dumb was traumatizing, so I just wouldn't do it. The days that I really need a friend's shoulder to cry on or a therapy session to just let it all out to a safe person, you would let me convince myself I didn't and that I would be lame and weak for reaching out to someone. The fact that I actually allowed you to convince me that I could replace the hurt I was feeling with some other type of pain and it would all just be okay. Wow, it's actually really sad to think about that now.
Or how about the days that I would randomly get really upset because everything I had been bottling up finally couldn't be pushed down anymore. The hours I would spend fighting an anxiety attack, which usually resulted in me crying and forcing myself to sleep.
Well, guess what Old Me? I now can say I feel confident in my body, go to a therapy session every week, have an AMAZING group of friends that I can always count on and know that I'm just as good of a friend in return. I found the passion for running and feel alive and wonderful when my sneakers hit the pavement. I just signed up for a personal trainer so that I can learn about that equipment I used to feel stupid asking how to use. I now have well over a 3.0 GPA because I work my butt off in school and ask my professor's questions whenever I feel even the slightest bit confused.
Instead of laying in my room all day I now spend my days off surrounded by my friends and family that I love, spending time going hiking, running, shopping, sitting by the beach, reading, laying outside, whatever I feel like doing that day I allow myself to do. There is no reason for me to just lay in bed all day because thinking that because every other day I am forced to be surrounded by people it makes it okay.
You tried for so long to take me down, and at some points you succeeded, but I refuse to ever go back to you, Old Me. I love the new me, someone who is so full of life energy, good intentions, and the desire to tackle the world. Someone who no longer feels alone because when I do, I ask for help.
Nice try, Old Me but you'll never win again.
The Best Version of Myself