Dear Representative Roskam:
You haven't met me, yet, but not for my lack of trying. I am one of your constituents from the 6th Congressional District and I just can't seem to get a hold of you. I thought I'd try a more public forum to see if I could catch your ear.
There is nothing to fear about me, Peter. Wait, I can call you Peter, right? It just seems friendly, somehow. Please, call me Lynn. I feel like I know you already because of how many times you've called me. No one really calls my landline anymore, except for you. And you call a lot. In fact, every time the landline rings, I just assume it's you. Even my 86-year old Dad knows to call my cell phone, but whatever, it's okay. I'm happy you're calling, and I love hearing your nasally Chicago accent rasping, "Hi, it's Peter Rooooskam," when I pick up, or when you leave all those messages on my answering machine.
My only complaint with these calls is that, that's as far as it ever goes: I only hear from your robocalls but never you, live. I just want to talk to you. Maybe ask you a few questions. I'd love to hear your voice when it hasn't been pre-recorded. I'd love to see you live and in person.
So, you can imagine how excited I am to hear that the League of Women Voters has invited you to a Constituents Meeting being held in your honor on February 23rd, right here in your hometown of Glen Ellyn. They're even going so far as to offer you three dates to choose from, so you can fit it into your busy and demanding schedule. Finally! At last! Your constituents will get to see you in the flesh and hear your non-robocall voice! You see, some of us were starting to get a serious Weekend At Bernie's vibe about you; we are actually concerned about you. We need this "Proof of Life" meeting to make sure you're okay.
You don't have to be scared of us, Peter. We won't hurt you! We don't bite, not even if you ask us nicely. We just want to talk. Calmly. Rationally. This won't be a rally, like your friend Donald Trump so enjoys. There will be no chanting, no mean-spirited signs, no bullying. It's a Safe Space for you, truly.
You don't want this reputation of being an Absentee Landlord, my friend. The type of landlord whose tenants have been complaining of a burst pipe and a bad smell coming from the cellar for months but, you haven't even sent in a plumber let alone come to check out the place yourself? No one wants that reputation politically, right? You can contribute to your very own political narrative here, Peter!
If you don't show up for this meeting, some people (I'm not saying me, personally) might think this type of avoidance behavior as rather...squirrely. You don't want to be known as Squirrely Roskam! People can be so mean with their nicknames, sometimes. Like "Crooked Hillary." Or "Poodle Ryan," which is what everyone (okay, just me) is calling Paul Ryan since he's such a lapdog to Donald Trump and the NRA. And now, #PoodleRyan is everywhere (okay, just my Twitter feed so far, but I think we can make it happen). You don't want #SquirrelyRoskam to start trending, that would be awful.
I'm simply looking out for your best interests here. All you have to do is show up, in person and talk to us. No big deal! You can do it, honey. We have faith in you.
And for the record, don't call me, I'll call you.
Your friend and constituent,
Lynn LaPlante Allaway