Dear Santa: A Letter From the Dog


Dear Santa,

It has come to my attention that it's the Christmas season again because there are pictures of me in a Santa hat on Facebook. So before I forget, I want to tell you what I would like for Christmas, not that you have paid any attention to my Christmas wishes in the past.

Anyhoo, I have one overriding wish this year: I would like you to free the narcissistic cat from the confines of this home. To be honest, he has anger management issues when he's not under the influence of his laziness. I have noticed that when he is alert, all he really wants is to go outside. He stares out the window day after day fantasizing about being free to chase anything that moves. But alas, he is not free to explore the great out of doors and as a result, I think he is depressed. He does nothing but stare, sleep and lick his fur, day after day after day. Clearly, he has a multitude of issues.

I know the cat has lost his joie de vivre because a package came the other day and the empty box lay discarded on the floor with no feline attempt to origami his rotund body into the small box. I suppose it is possible that he is learning from experience but I think that's unlikely. He's not that bright.

So, Santa, please think it over. You can make two of us happy with one simple move: just leave the door open after you leave. The domestic feline fatty can fulfill his lifelong dream of catching his own food in the great out-of-doors and I can have his bed, as well as mine. And what's the downside? If he fails miserably in the "eat what you kill" category, he can always suck up his pride and return to the home to feast on that dry kibble that he disdains. His ego will be no worse for the wear, from what I've seen.

My wish is this: fulfill the lifelong dream of my feline companion and give him a home where the buffalo roam, where the deer and the antelope play. I think he will enjoy the adventure. But before you free him, please bring him a much larger bed for me to lie in to console myself after his prison break.

Thank you, Santa.

The Dog

P.S. If the lazy fat cat feigns disinterest in the open door, you may need to assist him in getting outside with a two-handed underhand toss. Just sayin'.