I was recently reflecting on my relationship with my sons and came to the realization that there are a few things I wish would change. For the most part, I think I have a pretty strong and close bond with my three boys. However, I admit that I am somewhat unsatisfied with the communication aspect of our relationship and, since they are not shy about pointing out which parenting mistakes they think I have made, I feel I too can comment on ways in which they might improve their behavior. Here is an open letter to my young men and I hope they read it in the spirit in which it was intended.
Dear Son(s)
I accept and realize that you are sons and not daughters. I am truly grateful that I was blessed to have you and I have never yearned for a female child. I realize that you are not going to text or call me every hour on the hour as many of my friends’ daughters do. [Note: At this point some reader is going to comment that her son does call and text her all the time and that I need to return to the 50s (which, for the record, came and went before I was born). To them I say, “bully for you” but I can assure you it’s not the norm. My mother has always commented how I told her so much while my brother was less forthcoming with details, to which I respond, “Imagine that!”]
I don’t crave daily contact with you. Nor do I need to know every thought that pops into your head or what you are wearing at any given moment. However, could you work on providing me with just a LITTLE more information? Like the time you got into college and I had to hear about it from a friend? Not acceptable. And when your good friend (who I know fairly well) got engaged and YOU DIDN’T TELL ME? Stuff like that hurts my feelings. Especially when your girlfriend tells me that even HER mother knew about that engagement. I happened to really like your friends and want to know what’s up with them.
I’m not asking for a lot. Just a few scraps of details every now and again would suffice. I know you aren’t withholding information on purpose, but perhaps when something noteworthy happens, you could ask yourself, “Would mom be interested in knowing this?” And then err on the side of over-informing, because even when I’m not interested, I’m interested, with the following caveat.
Do you realize that when you do actually get in touch with me, it’s generally about money or to complain about something, such as your health? Let me remind you of the time you said you had a lump on your back and, after googling it, felt pretty sure you’d be needing surgery for it. After texting everyone I knew to find you an internist in the city, I waited anxiously by the phone for hours for you to see the doctor. I called you when I assumed you were done with your appointment and scheduling your surgery. When I finally reached you at work and you said, “Oh it was nothing.” I was relieved but also wanted to kill you. You can’t get me all worried and then not let me know everything is OK. I don’t mind hearing that you don’t feel well or that there’s a problem but could you also let me know when things are alright? Or when you are feeling happy? That would actually make me very happy. I know you come to me for comfort when you are sick and it is part of my role as a mother to listen and reassure you, but you can’t make me crazy and then leave me hanging. And yes, I realize it’s not about me. However, every once in a while, maybe it could be a little bit about me.
Oh, and another thing you seem to love talking about but I don’t really like listening to is “how unfairly you were treated in comparison to your brothers”. Let me tell you the holy truth about parenting; unless you are an only child there will always be some inequity amongst siblings. But in the end, it all evens out and you will all have (pretty much) gotten what you needed. I have always maintained that I have no favorites, well actually, that’s not completely accurate. Like most parents I tend to favor whomever is annoying me least at the moment.
I have to admit that as you have gotten older, things have improved. I know you love me and I am grateful that I can count on you when I need you. You seem to view me more of a person now and I really appreciate that. I feel like we went through a lot of crap to get to this point and I don’t want to be greedy, but I think that we can still do better.
I hope you will take my suggestions under advisement. I will be checking my texts to see what is new with you.
Love,
Mom
This post first appeared on CollegiateParent
You can read more of Marlene’s work on her site Thoughts From Aisle Four