Amy Klein's post You've Done Everything You Can for The New York Times was the first spark I needed to write something about our enoughs.
Our everythings.
Then I wrote Our Infertility Rap Sheets, even though I was scared to death of putting it out there. But, the feedback I received was the second spark I needed to write something about our enoughs.
OUR EVERYTHINGS.
Igniting the third spark, a fellow warrior and blogger messaged me today. Her bravery in reaching out was enough for me to pull this post from drafts, assign my own photo and share. As, she is in the midst of defining her enough is enough.
Her everything.
As I have written, I've taken out my counts; how many rounds of IVF I tried because I have found I included them only out of my own shame. Out of this need to prove to the world, and maybe to myself on some days, that I too have suffered and lost.
Infertility or not, we all must define our own enoughs and everythings.
WHAT IS ENOUGH? WHAT IS EVERYTHING?
Have you done everything you can? Have you done everything you need to?
Have you done enough? Have you lost enough? Have you suffered enough?
Defining our everything and our enoughs in order to let go, embrace and move forward.
I think we can apply these questions to many areas of our lives that we are struggling with.
Infertility. Recovery. Relationships. Dreams. This list goes on and on.
I think what we all must remember is that only we can define what is everything and when enough is enough. When we define these through others' expectations or society or because it is "what we are supposed to do" it only comes from this place of shame; a place of not honoring ourselves.
Our everythings and our enoughs can, and need to, only be defined within ourselves.
If I don't hold on to this, I can very easily get wrapped up in the shamed silence that surrounds my infertility journey and my recovery. Because, technically, I suppose, we could have kept trying. Technically, science has provided many options for us to keep trying. Technically, there are also other options.
But to not listen to myself, my husband and our light and truth would have been the biggest disservice to me, our marriage and, in reality, to the world. For us to go above and beyond what we know is our enough and our everything would have destroyed us because it simply would not have been our truth.
We tried. We tried more than we had planned to. But, we tried again because our losses felt that crushing. We tried again because we knew that our everything wasn't met yet. Only we could make that decision. We need to explain it only to each other.
Only we define our enough and everything.
And, our ever upward.
To let go of comparison, especially in our sufferings and recovery, is to find our truth.
Because we all suffer. We all lose. Hard is just hard.
And, we all must practice our recovery.
Trust in your truth. Trust in your everything. Trust in your enough.
Because, within that trust you will be found.