The ‘90s was a great a decade for serialized literature of the young adult variety. Think: “The Baby-Sitters Club,” “Goosebumps,” “The Magic Tree House,” later editions of “Encyclopedia Brown.” If I was addicted to anything as an elementary schooler, it was a book title that started with “#” and was readily available via that tissue-paper catalog of Scholastic titles teachers handed out every few weeks.
And it really didn’t matter how ridiculous the premise of the series seemed. Authors Marcia T. Jones and Debbie Dadey started their own in 1990, and most millennials will recognize the first few books by their comically random titles: Dracula Doesn’t Drink Lemonade, Werewolves Don’t Go to Summer Camp, Ghosts Don’t Eat Potato Chips. There it is: “The Bailey School Kids.”
The kids at Bailey School never expected their teachers, camp counselors, babysitters, coaches, neighborhood eccentrics or any adult not immediately related to them to be supernatural creatures, but they always were. After dozens of books, you’d think the school district would wise up to the fact that it was employing and engaging with a significant percentage of undead or mythologized people, but it did not.
How many times did it fail to recognize the early signs of Dracula’s presence, a wizard’s veiled intentions, or a literal dragon? At least 51 times. Below, a definitive ranking of every book in “The Adventures of the Bailey School Kids” series:
51. Werewolves Don’t Go to Summer Camp
OK, it seems like a fair assumption.
50. Cupid Doesn’t Flip Hamburgers
He shoots arrows and acts cherubic, duh.
49. Leprechauns Don’t Play Basketball
48. Hercules Doesn’t Pull Teeth
I don’t know, it would be an incredibly realistic thing for him to do.
47. Elves Don’t Wear Hard Hats
Only hats with bells.
46. Genies Don’t Ride Bicycles
45. Giants Don’t Go Snowboarding
Big feet, I get it.
44. Dracula Doesn’t Play Kickball
Kickball is typically played during the day. Dracula cannot play kickball.
43. Wizards Don’t Wear Graduation Gowns
But, like, they wear something suspiciously close, right?
42. Witches Don’t Do Backflips
I have to disagree here.
41. Ghouls Don’t Scoop Ice Cream
40. Knights Don’t Teach Piano
They’re too loud. Armor.
39. Santa Claus Doesn’t Mop Floors
Seems like he should, IMO.
38. Bogeymen Don’t Play Football
But the idea of a bogeymen football team is amusing.
37. Dragons Don’t Cook Pizza
Not for lack of heat, though. Obvious.
36. Pirates Don’t Wear Pink Sunglasses
Do pirates count as mythical creatures?
35. Phantoms Don’t Drive Sports Cars
Only modest family vehicles.
34. Frankenstein Doesn’t Plant Petunias
Thus begins a string of Frankenstein scenarios.
33. Frankenstein Doesn’t Slam Hockey Pucks
32. Frankenstein Doesn’t Start Food Fights
Dr. Frankenstein is rolling in his grave RN.
31. The Bride of Frankenstein Doesn’t Bake Cookies
She’s gluten-free. Sure.
30. Monsters Don’t Scuba Dive
Too broad. Next.
29. Aliens Don’t Wear Braces
Can we fact-check this?
28. Mummies Don’t Coach Softball
Deceased humans cannot play softball, let alone coach.
27. Angels Don’t Know Karate
26. Trolls Don’t Ride Roller Coasters
25. Goblins Don’t Play Video Games
Gotta ask Jareth the Goblin King about this one.
24. Werewolves Don’t Run for President
To date, no.
23. Ninjas Don’t Bake Pumpkin Pies
Points for sheer arbitrariness.
22. Vikings Don’t Wear Wrestling Belts
Because they are not wrestlers. So it checks out.
21. Dragons Don’t Throw Snowballs
20. Gremlins Don’t Chew Bubble Gum
Points for the visual.
19. Gargoyles Don’t Drive School Buses
They sit atop French cathedrals.
18. Bigfoot Doesn’t Square Dance
It does seem very unlikely.
17. Wolfmen Don’t Hula Dance
I wish it were wolvesmen.
16. The Abominable Snowman Doesn’t Roast Marshmallows
But it’d be cute.
15. Ghosts Don’t Ride Wild Horses
Domesticated are OK.
14. Robots Don’t Catch Chicken Pox
13. Dracula Doesn’t Rock and Roll
He neither rocks, nor does he roll.
12. Sea Serpents Don’t Juggle Water Balloons
This is evocative.
11. Werewolves Don’t Go to Summer Camp
Can’t stand sleepovers.
10. Martians Don’t Take Temperatures
Is this, like, a mercury-on-Mars situation?
9. Dracula Doesn’t Drink Lemonade
Only blood. We know this.
8. Zombies Don’t Play Soccer
7. Cyclops Doesn’t Roller-Skate
Lack of peripheral vision, guys.
6. Skeletons Don’t Play Tubas
5. Ghosts Don’t Eat Potato Chips
4. Mermaids Don’t Run Track
Ridiculous, because tails.
3. Wizards Don’t Need Computers
They don’t. This is proven.
2. Vampires Don’t Wear Polka Dots
Classic and seemingly true.
1. Unicorns Don’t Give Sleigh Rides
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