A close reading of the transcript from last night's CNN/Univision debate reveals that everyone on stage plagiarized from me. The proof:
Whatever happens, we're going to be fine. -- Hillary Clinton, last night
I'm fine. I'm going to be fine. Just go away. -- Me, to my wife, after stepping on a rake and whapping myself in the face with the handle, July 2002
There were rocky periods during my youth, when I made mistakes and was off course. -- Barack Obama, last night
I've made a mistake, okay? I've gone off the course. Okay? Is that what you want to hear? Jackasses. -- Me, to my golfing buddies Steve and Tito, after driving the cart off the fairway and getting us all lost in a thicket of birch trees, August 2006
Bienvenidos a Tejas. -- Panelist Jorge Ramos, last night
Bienvenidos a Tejas. Me llamo Guillermo. Donde esta la biblioteca? -- Me, in third period Spanish (Mr. Dunn), October-January 1975
We've got a lot of ground to cover. -- Moderator Campbell Brown, last night
Because we've got a lot of ground to cover today, okay? That's why. -- Me, explaining to my wife why we can't stop in Green River, UT and see the world's biggest watermelon; summer road trip 2005
Do you think it's time for a president of the United States to raise his or her hand and say, "You know what? Wait a minute. Let's think about this again. Do we really want to do this?" -- panelist John King, last night
Wait a minute. Let's think about this. Do you really want to do this? Seriously. I mean, I'm probably fine. -- Me, to my internist, toward the end of my last physical; January 2008