Democratic National Committee Locks Bernie Sanders Inside Underground Bunker Until After Primaries

The Democratic National Committee has locked and sealed Presidential contender Bernie Sanders inside an underground bunker until the 2016 primary season is over. "Senator Sanders has violated the Democratic Party's charter and bylaws, which clearly state a candidate must not generate any legitimate enthusiasm among potential voters," said DNC spokesperson Gwendolyn Pierce-Blanner Switheburne. "Our punishment, of course, should not discourage Senator Sanders from continuing to campaign using the low-frequency radios we have provided him, which have a transmitting radius of up to fifty meters."

When asked to respond to charges that the DNC is favoring Hillary Clinton, Switheburne responded:

This has absolutely nothing to do with a preference for the brilliantly accomplished, qualified, and extremely personable former Secretary of State, who is clearly the most electable candidate the Democrats have had in a generation, nor does it reflect any desire on our part to deliberately hurt her unqualified, psychologically unbalanced, and far less wealthy competition.

In an unrelated story, the DNC just announced the remaining Democratic debates will be moved to The Smithsonian Channel, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, and World Fishing Network; dates and times to be announced on November 9th, 2016.