On MSNBC at 7PM tonight, eight Democratic contenders debate each other... for your delectation! We're rating them on a scale of 1 to 4 JFKs. Which of these hopefuls would *you* sing "Happy Birthday" to (in the full knowledge the Mafia would murder you in your Hollywood bungalow with the help of RFK?) Let's get to oglin'!
Rahrr! Senator Joe Biden of Delaware means business. He bungled the start of his White House bid by calling Barack Obama "articulate" and "clean", but the Foreign Relations Committee chairman's wispy white hair is fabulously patrician. And he supports college aid and loan programs. 2 out of 4 JFKs.
Is the former First Lady and current New York Senator Hillary Clinton a hawkish, bloviating Gorgon or heroic feminist icon? We don't know, but we DO know that her tously 'do, mischievous smile, and sparkly eyes score her 3 out of 4 JFKs!
He may be lurking in the shadows, but Connecticut Senator Christopher Dodd sure knows how to make an impression with his witty, Brezhnev-esque eyebrows and stern countenance! Too bad he went along with the war in Iraq. 2 out of 4 JFKs.
Senator John Edwards of North Carolina, you admitted you were wrong on Iraq, which took guts. Your hard-edged economic populism and middle-class advocacy is as remarkable as your movie-star hair, and boyish good looks! Don't worry, though, we're no homewreckers. We love your marriage and Elizabeth. 3.5 out of 4 JFKs.
Grandpa? Oh, wait, it's former Alaskan governor Mike Gravel, the darkest dark horse in the race! We're crazy for Alaska, and love the whole Peter Graves vibe, but a polo buttoned all the way up paired with a blazer simply won't do. 2 out of 4 JFKs.
YEEOWWW! Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich has always been a maverick, advocating for peace and justice long before it wasn't ever cool. And if that's not enough to win you over, get this: he's a vegan, but not even remotely screechy! Dennis, you've redistricted our hearts! 3 out of 4 JFKs!
Illinois Senator Barack Obama lived in Hawaii and is based in Chicago, but we think the radiant smile, long lashes and preppy style make him an official resident of Hunkytown! He may have dreams of his father, but WE dream of "riding his campaign bus"! 4 out of 4 JFKs.
Ay papi, It's New Mexico governor Bill Richardson! The former congressman, energy czar, and global troubleshooter is the first Hispanic Presidential candidate with major party support. We support his exuberance, robust features, and Huggy-Bear physique! 2.75 out of 4 JFKs.