Democratic Superdelegates Dump Hillary Clinton, Pledge to Vote for Brie Larson

In a surprising announcement, all the superdelegates who had pledged to vote for Hillary Clinton as the Democratic presidential nominee have decided instead to vote for Academy Award-winning actress Brie Larson. "She was great in Room and as Abed's girlfriend in Community, and she just seems really electable," said superdelegate/Democratic lickspittle Garrison Utlick. "Plus, she's in Kong: Skull Island, so I hope my vote will guarantee tickets to the premiere."

Democratic Party leaders are incensed by the decision to drop Clinton and note that, according to the Constitution, the president must be at least 35 years old and Ms. Larson is only 26. Superdelegate/Democratic toady Manny Rattaro responded:

Too bad, suckers! We can vote for whomever we want! We don't have to represent voters' preferences and now, we're sticking it to the Democratic elite, too! You know why? Because we're superdelegates, bitches! We can change our minds every hour on the hour. We're not bound by anything! And if you don't like it? Tough shit--you created us! We can vote for a wheel of brie cheese if we like...and maybe we will! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

While Rattaro laughed maniacally, the Wheel of Brie Cheese officially announced it will run for President as an independent candidate and is already leading Clinton in polls as being more honest and trustworthy.