Recent statement of how things actually are embarrassed Democrats, angered Republicans
Dateline, Washington D.C.
Red-eyed, and tired after a long night of closed door meetings with the Democratic leadership, Truth, flanked by Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, and Majority Whip James E. Clyburn, finally apologized for earlier expressions of itself it had made on the floor of Congress.
"I would like to say I am sorry to all those offended by my stating myself," Truth said to the phalanx of reporters. "I know now that in these dangerous times if we are going to discuss the many problems that face America we cannot let me get in the way. From this day forth," Truth continued, "I will join Speaker Pelosi, the rest of the Democratic leadership, and my colleagues across the aisle, in a true bipartisan effort to never use me, or any recognizable part of me, in America's political process."
The statements of Truth, that "Ice is cold, fire is hot, the Bush Administration has proven itself inept in both foreign and domestic policy, and E=mc2," made on the floor of the House, stunned Washington, and jolted a national media used to regurgitating propaganda.
Pressure was immediate from all fronts for a recantation, but until today Truth had stood firm.
A beaming Speaker Pelosi stated "Finally we, as Democrats, are ready to put this episode behind us. We acknowledge that Truth, by stating itself, caused confusion in a nation not used to hearing it from Washington. But I assure you," she continued, "it will never be heard in the Congress again! Now we can get back to the Business of the American People."
Republican Congressional leadership cautiously praised Pelosi for her expeditious action. "Stifling Truth has been the aim of the Republican Party for some time," Minority whip Roy Blunt stated. "and it is about time the Democrats joined us. However, we will see if they are honest with their pledge to distance themselves from both Truth and reality."
Reality, an old ally of Truth, had already been banned from Washington during the debate over NAFTA, and was last seen on an unemployment line in Cleveland, Ohio.
"They promised to renounce Truth before," the Missouri representative warned, "After 911. But then, during the vote on the Authorization of the Use of Military Force, there's Democrat Barbara Lee, with the whole "It's unnecessary and unConstitutional" thing! Would she have done that if she didn't have Truth on her side? The rest of her party may have bravely abandoned her, but only when we have a full bipartisan commitment to ignore and deny Truth will we be able to get back to the Business of the American People!"
Though the words of Truth were applauded overseas -- especially in France -- Republicans also noted how quickly they were hailed by the fringe 82% of Americans that agree with them. "We have always suspected there was a link between Truth and the radical anti-Bush segment in this country," said White House spokeswoman Dana Perino during the daily press conference, "And Secretary Chertoff assures me he will be looking into it," hinting that Truth may be investigated for breaking the Never Tell It Like It Is Amendment of the Homeland Security Act. She then continued answering questions about America's recent air strike on a terrorist cell in Madison, Wisconsin.
In his weekly radio address from the Oval Office, the president also praised the move away from Truth, "which he never understood anyway," and then called on Congress to "Get back to the Business of the American People, a people who need their Business gotten back to, in America -- American People, American Business, the back to which they, Congress, should be getting -- for if ungotten back to the Business of the American People will be misbegotten. And that would be un-American."
After the press conference Truth, in a surprise statement, revealed it would not be seeking reelection. A member of the House, off and on, for the past 230 years, Truth said it was tired, and wanted to spend more time at home with it's family, "before global warming makes life a living Hell of drought, famine, and we are damned to an Earth barren of all, except endless wars over water."
The announcement brought out a flurry of candidates for the open seat. Lip Service, which had lost a hotly contested primary to Truth two years ago, tossed it's hat back into the ring, as well as Quisling, which conceded it may be hampered by Americans not knowing exactly what it means. On the Republican side sometime allies Profit Before People and God Told Me To Kill Everyone Not Like Me are both expected to make strong showings.