Navigating The Waters
I have noticed that sometimes I approach my journey with depression as if it was an untrustworthy friend. I have been in a Good Place for quite some time now, but there is an apprehension about the Good Place. I find myself approaching it cautiously for fear of it suddenly falling out from under my feet. Even in this Good Place, I find myself waking up some mornings with A Something -- a heaviness, a flatness or a tornado of unkind self thoughts. Yesterday was great; I had spring in my step. Today, I drag my feet.
It is such a day-by-day journey.
This morning, I woke up feeling Squashed. Like I had been squashed into a little box of Not Quite Myself. An Ick seems to want to escape me, but it feels like it will be messy and unseemly, so I hold it in. This is a key for me in my depression. When I don’t express emotions, I feel a squashing in my throat, tummy and behind my temples. It is awful! It use to be much worse. At times, it would feel like the blood that flowed through my body had become spiky and was violently trying to escape my veins -- it was excruciatingly painful.
Esoterically, it feels like I am being contained into the walls of my body, and my soul knows it is much more expansive than that. My emotions are bigger than my body, but they are being asked to contain themselves tightly. My souls expression and my ego mind are at odds. In the past I have responded to it by collapsing beneath it, telling my soul that it’s Flight is not important, that others Needs are more important than my own and go on to pretend everything is fine from a slightly dulled, suppressed place. And it IS Fine. I can Exist there. But I don’t want to just Exist anymore. My souls screaming for more and I am now in a place where I can listen to it. It is time to thrive and now I can see a pathway through this emotional habit that I have had.
'My souls screaming for more and I am now in a place where I can listen to it. It is time to thrive...'
Through diving into the inner workings of this Being that I am, I have come to believe that this Squash, all comes down to a cultural emphasis on The Nice Girl. It is about not wanting to look the hard stuff straight in the eye for fear that it will be too huge to cope with. It is about wanting to avoid pain, in myself and in others. It is about not wanting to hurt others, or be hurt by others. It is about not wanting to express the emotions I find more challenging and wanting to keep things Light. The Light is absolutely a vital part of our existence, but so are the Deep Dark Ruby Red or Black Expressions of our souls. These expressions create the contrast for a Real and Whole experience. Without them, I feel that life is somewhat one dimensional.
'The Light is absolutely a vital part of our existence, but so are the Deep Dark Ruby Red or Black Expressions of our souls...'
I have spent many years inhabiting the Good Stuff. Looking at the bright side of life and believing strongly that where I allow my mind to sit, is the creation point for my universe and if I worked fiercely enough with my mind, that I could Disappear the hard stuff.
But I now see that it goes much deeper than a simple point of focus. If we are vigilant with our minds, whilst turing away from the Hard Stuff or the Bad Stuff, we are giving it immense power through our denial. And then, when we are not looking, it looms large and can knock us down and annihilate us. This is where depression got me. It side tackled me when I was Trying to be Happy, but was actually confused and denying the shadows in myself.
If we are vigilant with our minds, whilst looking that Hard Stuff right in the eye, acknowledging it, being present to it, allowing it to be valid rather than shamed, then we can become the Love Guardians of our minds. I have some great processes I do with myself and clients that bring all this Stuff to the light. It is quite amazing what Naming Shames and Worries and Fears can do to liberate the soul.
'If we are vigilant with our minds, whilst looking that Hard Stuff right in the eye... we can become the Love Guardians of our minds...'
I used to be afraid that if I named these things, they would become more powerful, more present in my life. I believed that if I named them, the energetics of the Words would bring my focus point to them and it would inadvertently be the creation energy I was emanating. But now I see, that by naming them, I am empowering myself to know that My Love and My Capacity to Embrace All of Me is bigger than they are. I see that by looking at them and giving them permission to move through, (not dwell in them but move through), I can actually feel my soul becoming stronger and more resilient as a result.
There are so many journeys through depression and so much of it goes unsaid and feels shameful. Anyone who has journeyed with depression - and you would be amazed at just how many people this is once you open up the conversation - knows the strange cultural shame that comes along with it. The Shame itself is part of the problem.
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