Desperate James Comey Tries Thinking of Last-Minute Ways to F--k Up the 2016 Election

With only one day left until Americans vote for President of the United States, FBI Director James Comey is working desperately hard to think of some last-minute way to fuck up the 2016 election. "All I can do is reassure everyone out there that Mr. Comey is aware of the pressure and he's on it," said FBI spokesperson/curling enthusiast Alan Whittacomb. "Twenty-four hours may not seem like a lot of time, but if anyone can come up with a plan to interfere with something he shouldn't, it's 'Diamond Jim' Comey."

Inside sources speculate that Comey may send another letter to Congress later this morning, which calls into question the letter he sent to Congress yesterday, while simultaneously supporting and refuting the letter he sent to Congress a week and a half ago. In addition, Comey may reveal new evidence by early this afternoon, which may or may not have been found somewhere by someone, which could involve one of the Presidential candidates, and an investigation might or will never take place, depending on information 1) leaked by Russians 2) found in a dumpster outside Chick-fil-A 3) witnessed in a sweat lodge, or 4) overheard in a séance.

If that does not happen by November 8th, Comey will keep the option open for the FBI to not not change its conclusions about Hillary Clinton's emails. Said Whittacomb, "That case, of course, is closed. Until it isn't. Which it possibly is."