I'm lost in the sea of middle age that doesn't look anything like I envisioned. It's a bit confusing.
Get Off My Lawn
I've never once uttered those words. As a matter of fact, I don't even own a lawn anymore. I sold the oversized suburban monstrosity when the kids left and haven't looked back.
I now happily reside in a small apartment a couple of block from the beach at Lake Tahoe. Somebody else takes care of everything. I love that part.
You will often find dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, and a bed that can go unmade for days at a time.
There are more important things to do. Kayaking, hiking and somebody has to keep an eye on the sand at the beach in the summer and the snow on the hilltop in the winter. Who has time to yell about their lawn?
Grumpy Old People
If you've ever been trapped in a room full of whiney, entitled millennials, you've endured a fresh, new hell.
I'll take the well-earned sense of contentment and gratitude of a mature soul over the Instant Gratification Soul Sucking Narcissism sometimes found in the younger crowd any day.
Who's the grumpy bunch?
No Sex After Fifty
News flash: We're having sex. Lots of it. Like bunnies.
Why? Because we can.
And we're enjoying it more than ever. We've long ago dropped the perfect body bullshit and are in it for the pleasure and fun. And fun we have. Trust me, those re-enforced hooks in the ceiling? They've got nothing to do with spinal alignment.
Every time my daughter uses my cellphone she gives me the squinty stink-eye and asks in her most judge-y tone:
"I'm not going to see any naked pics of you and some guy on here am I?"
She's on to me.
Seniors Can't Use Computers or Learn Anything New
Uh, I'm typing this on my Mac laptop.
When I'm done I'll post about it on Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, Facebook and G+.
The Stretch Pants & Diaper Crowd
Most of last summer was spent at the beach. Incontinence protection definitely wouldn't have fit under my bikini and repeated dunkings in the lake would have rendered them worthless anyway.
One day I looked down at my recently pedicured toes and realized I'd worn nothing on my feet for two weeks but a pair of $3 rubber flip flops. I probably would have answered to '"Gidget" if it had been shouted out.
Anybody seen Moon Doggie?
The Early Bird Special
I have yet to show up for an Early Bird Special.
I have shown up for BBQs at the beach, brunch with friends, picnics, holiday meals, dinner and a movie and breakfast in bed.
No need for a babysitter, chaperone, call home or permission. And if I want a sleepover . . . well, we've been over that.
Recycled Teenager, Only With Brains and Common Sense
Here I am in midlife and I expected to feel, well, old. And that's the last thing I feel.
What I feel is happier, more confident, more energetic, sexier, smarter, more creative, more capable and more effective than ever in my life.
This is what 59 feels like. Time for a new stereotype.
Kimberly Montgomery is the creator of the Choices Notebook and blogger at FiftyJewels.com, where she encourages people to use their powers for good. Hop on over there to join in on her Free Goal Setting Workshop this month.