Desperately Seeking Larry

This publicity photo released by HBO shows Larry David in a scene from "Curb Your Enthusiasm." The program was nominated for
This publicity photo released by HBO shows Larry David in a scene from "Curb Your Enthusiasm." The program was nominated for an Emmy award for outstanding comedy series on Thursday, July 19, 2012. The 64th annual Primetime Emmy Awards will be presented Sept. 23 at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles, hosted by Jimmy Kimmel and airing live on ABC.(AP Photo/HBO, Jessica Miglio)

When last we saw Larry David on his classic television show Curb Your Enthusiasm a number of years ago, he was wandering the streets of Paris with good friend Leon. Even in another language, Larry's famous social maladroitness was operating at full throttle, manifesting itself in a manner that was as always, tres magnifique! And then the scene faded out and Larry David faded away.

And since then, I've been desperately seeking Larry!

Larry David as depicted in Curb Your Enthusiasm is a Jewish/Boomer gift to the world. He's a super wealthy guy who can't figure out how much tip to leave on a deli sandwich. He rubs shoulders with Mel Brooks and Michael J. Fox but can't hold a two minute conversation with the pool boy without near international incident. He once had a beautiful loving wife but so bombed the relationship the only thing missing was nuclear fallout.

Larry is a rich, successful guy who screws up worse than we do. And watching him make a bigger idiot out of himself than we ever could makes us feel lots better about ourselves.

True, Larry did a television movie and has been on Broadway lately, but that doesn't make him regularly accessible to most of us. Comes Sunday night and I flick on HBO and Larry is missing in action. Sure Game of Thrones is great, but where are all the neurotic Jewish people?

What about watching some other comedies, you ask? That would be fine were there Two and a Half Larrys, Saturday Night Larry, or America's Got Larry. But no such shows exist, leaving me --- you guessed it --- desperately seeking Larry.

So how about you, friend? Are you too desperately seeking Larry?

Top Ten Signs You Are Desperately Seeking Larry

1) Whenever anyone asks how you're doing, you invariably say "Pret-tay, Pret-tay Good!" even if you are in fact doing "Pret-tay, Pret-tay Lousy!"

2) Seriously considering naming your next child "Marty Funkhouser" or at the very least "The Funk."

3) Just launched a drive to have Larry replace Ben Affleck as the next Batman.

4) If only you didn't have such a thick bushy head of hair!

5) Constantly hum the theme to Curb at inappropriate times and places such as when proposing marriage, during parent-teacher conferences, or at your inauguration as President of the United States.

6) Purposefully own a black cat so you can pretend it's Richard Lewis.

7) Whenever you suspect someone of lying, you stare at the person while tilting your head back and forth and somehow that insinuating quizzical Curb music actually plays!

8) You've retained Jeff Green as your agent even though you're a certified public accountant.

9) You refuse to return actress Cheryl Hines' adoring phone calls because how dare she dump Larry?!

10) So what did you folks think of this top ten list? What? Even the Seinfeld finale was better?!!

And so, Larry David, here we all are, each of us awaiting your return. Please hurry back so we need desperately seek you no longer. You see, you're our social safety net.

Without you around, whenever we mess up, we mess up alone.

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