Despondent Sexting

My friend shared a sexting exchange she had with a new flame. She was good. She came up with quick suggestive, sometimes even blatantly dirty, messages. I'm not a sexter. I come from the generation of booty calls, when picking up the phone and answering questions like "What's up?" and "Where are you?" indicated interest. I was the front runner of that movement.

I freeze up when someone sends me a raunchy text message. My responses always come off neutral, like I just received a bit of information I was waiting for. I can receive a garish text and respond something like:
"Right on"
"Sounds good"
"Okey Dokey Smokey"

I'm worse in person. I don't even respond verbally. Last night a guy started talking suggestive, at least that was my slant, I felt like an MLB pitcher interacting with the catcher- a lot of quick head movements to indicate agreement, leaning in and looking around to see what else is happening, snapping my gum, all the while with no interpretable expression on my face.

Even in bed, I've never been much for talking. When I do I always regret it and spend days rehashing the whole stupid "I'm gonna step out of my comfort zone" experience. Plus, it's always inaudible so a clarification conversation ensues, complete with a guessing component.

Lucky Guy: "What?"

Me: "Nothing"

Lucky Guy: "Kendra, c'mon what did you say?"

Me: "No it's stupid. Let's just, you know, carry on here"

Lucky Guy: "did you say &%$**%@!?"

Me: "God no!"

Lucky Guy: "you said $#@*&*%, didn't you?"

Me " I should probably go"

Lucky Guy: "but wait, I want to &^%$##&**^%"

Me: "Okey Dokey Smokey"

Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn't settle. She is the only person to make it to the Boston Comedy Festival finals twice, she did it two years in a row!