Dick Cheney Offers to Give Donald Trump Shooting Lessons

UNDISCLOSED BUNKER, WYOMING -- With much of the country wondering about who soon-to-be President-Elect Donald J. Trump will shoot first, one former co-President is offering to give him "expert level lessons in marksmanship and gun safety."


"I called Donald over the weekend," Dick Cheney told us last night via a phone interview, "and I told him that I have great experience both with guns and with shooting people."

Cheney proudly boasted that he was "even so good with a gun" that he managed to "shoot [his friend] in the face" and not even lose his gun license. "Hell, when Harry got out of the hospital," Cheney told our reporter, "you know, after I had blasted him in the face, he apologized to me and my family!" Cheney said that he "could train Donald to be such a fine marksman" that he too could "unload a round in someone's face" and never even publicly apologize for it.

Cheney's offer of marksman classes comes on the heels of Trump making huge headlines recently by insisting that he could shoot someone "on 5th avenue" and not drop in the Republican primary polls.

"Who knows, maybe if I give him some expert level lessons in marksmanship and gun safety," Cheney said. "He could give me lessons on how to fire someone, since I'm giving him lessons on how to fire AT someone."

Cheney feels someone on Trump's staff must have told him about a passage in the Constitution that historians and scholars "often forget exists because at first, second, third, and subsequent glances, it doesn't." Cheney said, however, that one night in 2005, he and his "fellow President" George W. Bush were pouring over the founding documents, trying to find the section that gives the Executive Branch powers to start wars on lies, when they found the passage that Trump must also knows exists.

"It says right there, in Article 69, Paragraph 22," Cheney told us, "The right of the Executive to shoot people in the face being essential to a free state, the right of the co-Presidents to shoot their hunting buddies shall not be infringed." He repeated the last line sixteen times in a row, "Shall not be infringed!" According to Cheney, that passage is what allowed him to shoot his friend in the face and never face prosecution, let alone have to say he's sorry in public, and that President Barack Obama is a "damned socialist fool" for not protecting that executive privilege, though he has "every confidence that Donald will be just like George" if he were in the Oval Office.