Ding Dong, the Witch Isn't Dead

So the Bush administration finally bagged the nagging bee that has been buzzing in the ear of what Christiane Amanpour called "the Iraq experiment." Yes, budding terrorist mogul Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is finally toast, and not a moment too soon. The Bush administration's gold rush in Iraq had so far resulted in nothing but a series of massacres, disappointments and a parade of apologists. But things are finally looking up: We finally killed someone of importance. It almost felt great clapping along with the rest of the administration-approved puppets in power at the press conference. Well, almost.

Why? Well, for one thing, Zarqawi was an invented menace. Before the great "Iraq experiment" in democracy delivered not by necessity but by bullets and bombs (as well as WMD pretexts), Zarqawi was about as popular as Carrot Top. No one knew who he was, kind of like no one knows who else besides Kobe Bryant is on the Los Angeles Lakers. As terrorists go, he was what sportswriters might call a scrub. But once he got in the way of the Bush administration's crusade on the banks of the Tigris, he quickly became public enemy numer one. Or as Iraq's prime minister Nuri al-Maliki explained, a "godfather" of terrorism.

Uh, not quite. The godfather of terrorism as far as Americans are concerned is none other than Osama bin Laden, who despite being on dialysis and cursed with the height of Yao Ming can hide in a region of the world rife with bleeding-edge military tech and mechanized regiments straight outta the greatest superpower on Earth. Remind yourselves of that while you're knocking back that toast to Zarqawi's easy assassination. Remind yourselves that what led us to the chaos of Iraq was none other than bin Laden's epochal violence on 9/11, which these days is only mentioned as a footnote to Ann Coulter's latest screed. It used to be the Moment of Truth for postmodern American innocence. Today, it's fodder for the right wing's nastiest skank.

Ah, the more things change, the more they remain the same. If there are any Americans left who believe that the death of Zarqawi is anything other than an orchestrated photo-op, then it's time to start scouting out apartments in Vancouver. I hear no one cares about the weed there, or the marrying homosexuals. For now, at least.

Ding dong, the witch isn't dead. Zarqawi was a stooge. I'm waiting for the Wizard of Oz's head to show up on my doorstep. Then I'll know the war is really over. For us all.