Donald Trump's lead in the Republican presidential polls has reignited the debate on the most emotionally charged question in American politics today: Should straight white males, called "Swims," be allowed to vote?
"Over 92 percent of Trump supporters are Swims. This is prima facie evidence that Swims are so irresponsible that they should not be entitled to vote," asserts Megan Mohr, a DisSwim activist. (DisSwim is short for Disenfranchise Straight White Males.) "
Recent academic studies buttress Ms. Mohr's case. "The limited intellect displayed by Swims is culturally, not genetically, determined," wrote E.P. Kafner and J. Gosset of the University of Minnesota. "Behavior such as watching NASCAR races and endlessly discussing injuries to NFL defensive lineman erode the brain's synaptic connections."
Kafner and Gosset bred 200 genetically identical hermaphroditic mice and randomly placed them in two groups. They asked Group A group to play fantasy league sports and drink beer while Group B read Jane Austen novels and sipped herbal teas.
"Culturally determined gender behaviors clearly influence metal capabilities," the researchers concluded. "Group A's average intelligence decreased by 47 percent and its short term memory fell 76 percent. Group B showed improvements in both measures. Even more troubling, Group A experienced frequent bouts of flatulence that they found quite amusing and became the subject of frequent jokes."
"This may account for Swim's strange beliefs," adds sociologist Janet Weismann.
Swims account for:
• Three quarters of people who believe that the earth was created one thousand years after the Sumerian invented glue
• 85 percent of those who argue we would all be better off if the rich paid less in taxes and
• 100 percent of those who warn that ISIS terrorists are massing at Ciudad Juarez, preparing to impose Sharia law on El Paso, Lubbock and the Odessa-Midland metropolitan area.
It also explains why Swims voted for Bush, a guy they wanted to have a beer with, and never asked if he was a guy they wanted to start a war with."
Dr. Helen Dixon-Graham, an anthropologist at UCLA, thinks both nature and nurture contribute to Swim's mental deficiencies and political imbecility.
We see the same pattern everywhere. In under-performing and deviant groups in all cultures, Swims are overrepresented. Among the !Kung, hunter gatherers of the Kalahari Desert, the most ignorant and loathsome people, including sports team owners, reality TV show producers and IRS auditors are Swims. Among Hazda of Tanzania social parasites were exclusively Swims. All Hazda talent agents, hedge fund managers and plaintiff's lawyers are Swims.
But does this mean that Swims should be disenfranchised? I asked the famed bio-ethicist Monsignor Patrick Reilly, S.J.
"When we objectively measure reasoning, emotional sensitivity and political understanding, we find that Swims are closer to Chimpanzees than to other human groups," he replied.
But should all Swims should be prohibited from voting? Recall that Voltaire, Bach and Lincoln were Swims. But had they been exposed to Rambo movies, Monday Night Football and Rush Limbaugh, they might well have defended the right of lunatics to carry Kalashnikov's into movie theatres. So in ethical terms, DisSwim is a "good idea."
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