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Diverse Perspectives in Mayor Bloomberg's Office

My fellow New Yorkers: I write to you today because it has recently come to my attention that certain concerns have arisen about the diversity.
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"Despite a pledge he made when he took office to make diversity a hallmark of his administration, Mr. Bloomberg has consistently surrounded himself with a predominantly white and male coterie of key policy makers, according to an analysis of personnel data by The New York Times." -- The New York Times

From: The Mayor's Office
Re: Diversity

My fellow New Yorkers,

I write to you today because it has recently come to my attention that certain concerns have arisen about the diversity, or perceived lack thereof, of those aides, policy makers, advisors, personal assistants, assistants to the personal assistants, drivers, window-washers, interns, and all other staff I have hired during my tenure in office.

Apparently Miguel, on the janitorial staff, had been trying to bring this issue to my attention for some time now, but I'll be honest - I can't understand his "Mexinglish." Staffers have told me that his family is actually from Canada, and that he's third generation-American, but frankly I'd be willing to bet they're having the same "lost in translation" problem I am.

Anyway, the point is that this misconception about the makeup of my office couldn't be further from the truth! If you want to see diversity, look no further than my inner circle of advisors; they're as multi-colored a bunch as you could ever hope to find!

By "multi-colored," of course I refer in a literal sense to the fact that what our eyes perceive as "white" is in fact a combination of all the colors in the spectrum.

Take Bill Collins, for example. That guy has brought such a different life-experience to this office. Do you know that he went to a public school growing up? Or that his home, even now, only has two bathrooms? For the first two years he worked with me, Bill summered on the Jersey Shore. I'm not joking! And he didn't even use "summer" as a verb!

Or what about Phil Carson? When he was at Princeton, he often protested the Vietnam War right alongside black people! Seriously, he spent hours of every occasional weekend right next to them. Could have reached out and touched them.

I have it on pretty good authority that he may even have slept with a black once. That sort of perspective is something we don't take for granted in this office - in fact, once Phil secured his severance package from Morgan Stanley, I'm proud to say that we actively sought it ought. Come to think of it, she might have been Brazilian, but the point remains the same.

And Rich Fellows, why, he'll wear a pink polo out on the golf course without even blinking! Honest-to-goodness, pink! I can personally testify that having him around has really opened my eyes to a worldview, and a shade of salmon, that I'd never before experienced.

My good friend and longtime colleague Tony DiSalvo is, as I'm sure you can guess, Italian. Well, a few generations back on his father's side, that is. You know, as I do, that a background like that is pretty much exactly the same as if he were black. If you don't believe me, just take a look at the tan he gets after a week's yachting vacation.

Tony's never risen above a certain level here, of course, but that's only because we can't trust his sneaky ways; it has nothing to do with his race. Nothing wopso-sorry, sorry, whatsoever.

And Frank Williams...well, Frank is a pretty cut-and-dried upper-class WASP, but who's to say that isn't a different point of view, too?

The point is, not only is this rainbow-coalition my first-string of advisors, (except for Tony, of course) I weigh all their opinions equally; no one group gets more or less of a say than any other.

Except of course Laurie Tokenlady; I listen to her equally when it's possible, but we all know that there's at least a week every month during which it would just be ridiculous of me to take anything she says seriously. Sometimes, just to be safe, I give it two weeks.

Frankly, that's for Laurie's benefit as much as my own; I'm sure she would be appalled to think that I was running a city this size based on the addled, bloating-induced ramblings of her lady-time. Besides, the rest of the time I allow her to speak up even when she hasn't been spoken to. Sometimes I even listen.

I hope that has quelled any concerns about the diversity of my staff. Let me take this opportunity to mention that the mayor's office will be hiring soon; I'm sure you can guess that I'd welcome applications from any sort of race, gender, religious or ethnic group.

I'll probably end up hiring a white male this time around, though. After all - they're barely represented in this office!